It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities...

The battle for your mind, is the worst place to see yourself in,

2011-12-17T14:46:00.000+08:00

Tired....im sooo tired...im so full of things to do....
i dont know wat to do...
im just soo tired to think abt anything at all...

in this consciousness known as life im in,
my patience is wearily wearing thin,
In all the wars and battles humanity has been in,
the battle for your mind, is the worst place to see yourself in,

with undying consistency it all happens again and again
to map the very neuron-networks in your own brain

on one side you have a choice,
on the other, just pure conditioning,
till you conform and they reward you,
for your compliance in grade and rank,
just so you know,
I DONT WANT TO BE PROMOTED!!

for im not like them, im just different and i want to be different,
but in this society, built around this system (even the opposition party has gone thru NS and they want a 'check and balance' and not change in the system...)
i cant conform and accept it, at all!!

its become such a social norm,even in my own family,
some1 said i deserved it and i should just accept it
but hell no i know better than that, that that's just bullshit!

RE- NEW

2011-12-01T20:56:00.001+08:00

SORRRYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

that i was gone for a bit too long....

its getting to me all this slavery slowly killing me....im kinda getting conditioned ready!! aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

so...as today is the 1st DEC 2011 im starting anew here

1. Journal everyday abt new findings!

2. Take personality test weekly and closely monitor any changes!

3. Pray 5x everyday!

4. Read Qur'an everyday!

YEAH!!!

where have u been???

2011-08-22T23:56:00.001+08:00

Its been long since i've blogged and pretended that the whole world would read!!

So (imaginary) readers! check it out!

Im doing the rest of my wreathed NS (16 more months) as a Staff Assistant (thank god im not 1 of the front line idiots) at the Behavioral Sciences Unit which is a sister Unit of Police Psychology Services Department after i was interviewed by a panel and posted there. It focuses mainly on research from forensic psychology, though it includes a bit of everything else as well, as psychology being psychology tends to be...

i work ard government [ =( ] Psychologists and assist them with any office work that which they may require to conduct their research training, focus group discussions and meetings...even evaluation and data entry work...HEY! at least its not police work!!! besides its good experience for me on how to NOT be a psychologist and instead how to truely be one....

i get to learn more abt psychology and its applications and even dry topics like statistics and research methodology being applied in everyday work....which is actually really interesting....

More importantly i get FULL access to ALL resources in there from stationary to research papers which enables me to complete and and enhance my own research abt NS...is that cool or what??

MOST IMPORTANTLY i get to pray!!! as there is a suraw (prayer room) in the other building and there is a small community that prays punctually and consistently. i always relate to this group as prayers keep my identity safe and minimizes external influences (if you know what i mean...) ALOT...so i can still remain rafi, me!

but i just hate the part where workload never stops piling up and i have to travel long distances to and fro from my hse to camp EVERYDAY!!

i guess i will always be active in psychology WHATEVER i do!!!!!!

Lighters!

2011-07-06T22:19:00.002+08:00

ALOT of things have been going on....so i didnt have time to blog....or pretty much do anything else...
alot of issues im tackling and managing...stress is killing me really...but right now.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhdoZJeWB_E

so many things to do....so little time....

2011-05-22T15:48:00.001+08:00

Last week of camp life....i am sooooo looking forward to P.O.P!!!
Hope i get good posting...and near my house cuz transport expensive!!
my experience in camp is drawing to an end and im like trying to juggle alot of things:

-Re-condition, unlearn and understand the cognitive modifications and mental models involved in the government and social conditioning
-To draw out the similarities and differences in the various uniform group's conditioning
-Complete my research address validity and reliability issues and address it in a systemic perspective in relation to Singapore and its collective mindset

-Learn meaning of known surahs
-learn meaning of solat surah's
-learn other dua's used in daily life and practice
-learn and use daily life phrases in Islamic tradition and culture
-learn new surahs
-learn more about the Prophet Muhammad and sahabahs their life and Islamic history and civilization
-learn new zikir and practice as well as meditate and re start zikir classes
-learn to read the quran in arabic with tajweed
-pray 5x a day steadfastly without missing any prayer

-open my consultation company defining its identity
-set the basic outline on profiling and other services
-establish and build brand equity, its marketing and awareness
-improve services and meet customer's needs and satisfy demands
-seek out new demands and avenues for revenues

-Buy 2 more LED lights for aquarium and ensure a fixed fitting
-Filter and remove ALL sand and dirt and chemicals
-provide better mechanical filtration and enhance existing biological filtration
-ensure proper and efficient water currents in the tank
-ensure proper temperature, pH lvls and other water parameters
-add more substrate and fertilizer for plants
-establish plants in the aquarium

-establish cherry red shrimps, pygmy catfish and other alike animals
-establish other fish and load it to full bio-capacity

-exercise and progressively lose weight
-build stamina and re start Aikido training
-learn parkour and join the official group

-reconnect with all my friends,hang out and catch up with them
-go out and have FUN!!!! muhahahaha!!!!

Reality is but an illusion as this world is only temporary....

2011-05-10T17:10:00.001+08:00

less than 3 weeks till i break free completely form the conditioning im subjected to u know where...cant wait...but at the same time...

will i still be able to do my prayers 5x a day?

will i be able to complete my "observational learning" session

minimizing the thorny issue of impartiality, validity and reliability?

will the rest of the 1 year and 6mths of NS be more sucky or better as a cause of my posting?

where will i go further my studies...spore? or overseas?

how will i get myself out of the system? and where am i going to migrate to?

BIG qns at the crossroads of life.....reality is but an illusion as this world is only temporary....

There! i feel better now...whatever tat may happen is a test from god to bring his slave nearer onto him...

he is closer to me than my jugular veins so why worry doubt or fear? life is here at present is near, now...

will is won

2011-04-17T14:08:00.000+08:00

27th may POP....between 23rd april and 31 may elections....times gonna run fast....we all know who's gonna win...we all know wat we have to do and be democratic...

but right now...i wanna talk abt my no. 1 value which i believe in....and why its in my 1. in my list of values and beliefs that make up my identity...

WILL

tats where it all begins...even life in-itself, in our very consciousness in staying conscious...our every movement takes will...every breath, every action, every choice...

i have been watching anime/cartoon since very young...i vividly remember watching dragonball Z and teenage mutant ninja turtles...they influenced me alot...later in my life i would go on to learn martial arts (aikido...the way of the ki) and learn more abt will.... i watched anime one piece...10 years of one piece....10 years of luffy...always being willing....always smiling...i aslo watch naruto and bleach...they all influenced me...

soon after as i grew up with all the adversity around me and somehow i learned aikido which places emphasis on values like will compassion empathy peace and harmony...O sensei the founder said sth like "Will must be deeply rooted in your soul" only than can Aikido work...only than can you self-defend...it means to believe in yourself and have faith in yourself, to not doubt and worry, stress and panic...to be calm enough to perceive the intent of the enemy...and read the situation and react strongly and quickly...it influenced me...

there was a dark period of my life where i was deep in depression that had me suicidal and i had almost given up living altogether...i was so close on the verge of no return...in the realm of my mind there was a black and dark room, it reflected how i felt....at the end of the room there was a door and i was standing in front of it my hand on the knob...i knew if i opened the door and went thru it i would disappear and crease to exist...i would become chronically depressed and eventually take my own life....

i wanted to go in thru tat door cuz i gave up entirely and completely in even living...that was the lowest i ever felt in my entire 20 years of life...but i didn't...i didn't go past the point of no return...i choose to live...after all an Islamic scholar said "when the world pushes you to your knees...u are in the perfect position to pray"...it influenced me...

i never looked back since...the fact i made that choice showed me that my no.1 value is will...and tat i am who i am because of how i came to be...i love me! so i wont change my values and beliefs attitudes and preferences.....just becuz of certain things tat are happening right now...

2011-04-10T13:00:00.000+08:00

Hey another post haha!

yesterday, i was thinking abt reality...thinking wat is reality...cuz in islam and in the west reality is perceived very differently...than i realised wat im seeing with my very eyes is not wat my eyes really see...so i took of my glasses....

i kinda got sad cuz all i saw was a blur of shapes and colors...i couldnt see details...smiles frowns twitches stares winks tiredness sleepiness and stuff...

than i walked by a pigion...and wondered wat it would be like to see the world with its eyes...u know...birds have pretty good vision...than i started counting the types of birds (1.the common mynah{has yellow beak and claws}2.the common crow{extremely intelligent slender body with a long beak good @ flying} 3.the small brown bird {sorry i dont know its name} 4.the common pigion {fat fat birds tat sometimes have white variations in color} 5. my fav. the common swift {tat has a kite-like shape built for speed and maneuverability to catch insects like dragon flies while in flight!}) and observed how they behaved (they are social creatures and hang out in grps of 3 and more, i saw 2 pigions mating LOL!) and adapted to us humans and our environments (to us junk! to them treasure!)

than today it hit me upon reflecting, watching the birds...i long for freedom and peace...(now i in ns....)

2011-04-10T12:36:00.000+08:00

Life goes on till i get it back...
love goes on till im committed in...
bonds are tested situation shifted but wat is life without some problems ai?....
still i wont let them get to me, for i am rafi, im meant to be free...

im definitely gonna publish a book or an academic journal into all the research i've been doing over the past few months...its been a blast and there's still more to come...i feel tat my skills have improved somewhat considerably but i still gotta a loooong way to go b4 i get there....i need experience...i need more knowledge im burning inside to get there where i wanna be...a psychologist...the best tat eva was...

i WILL get there or die trying...i wont give up no matter how hard it feels like (new skills are hard at first wat...) and i would do it and i know it, its freaky, cuz i would rather try and die than to lie and cry....cuz i hate being helpless and being at the bottom of the pile...so i will work like a manic just to get there...

but i would also do so not only cuz of tat but also cuz im intrinsically motivated to do so:
-to make a difference in some1's life no matter how small, (esp. my own)
-to understand ppl and to say the shahadah and to witness allah, his signs and creations,without judgement,fulfilling my purpose in life,
-to be a troubleshooter in the whole system and scheme of things in society, fixing it so ppl's quality of life is enhanced and improved effectively, efficiently
-to empower and raise up the next generation (including my kids) of students and pass on my will as would all generations b4 me did, to be who i am now and beyond, as a teacher
-to find new and creative ways to think and see it make me $$$ MUHAHAHA!....the world is my playground and its where i belong...as a businessman taking cool cleaver and calculated risks

and most importantly...to take islam and apply it in psychology and show the world humanistic-ally allah's grace and power to the best of my abilities....

Lastly, it is our choices tat shows us wat we truely are, far more than our abilities...i choose to therefore, i would become...i become...i am...

identity crisis...identity cries....

2011-03-13T14:21:00.001+08:00

i POP(Pass Out Parade....i rather call it Pass Out Programed...for the rest of your life) on the 27th of may....or so they say....i want to get out of there asap...its starting to get to me but i wont back down....

nowadays i feel irritated and frustrated easily cuz of changes around me 5 days a week...dangers more like...i am not gonna yield....i can only be me....no 1 else....for I'm 1 helluva guy, a Muslim, a psychologist a teacher and a successful businessman...i can only do wat i can do only if i want to only if i choose to...i choose to keep who i am my identity tat i worked out and became more aware of and gained insight from over the last few years....i am NOT wat they want me to be cuz im ALREADY aware...

life is good....hehe!

2011-01-30T12:32:00.000+08:00

life is "soo goood"...as my friend ryan says it....hehe!

i put my heart, mind and soul into it....consequences? FLOW!!!.....

i focused and focused on improving my skills as a student of psychology and im FINALLY seeing results....

u see, in psychology 1 must be able to apply wateva they have learned....but u see, application without sound knowledge in theory would be weak....so wat i did is try and improve on it day by day....also i considered looking at things from a systemic perspective....and really studying the social processes in place forms the system with consideration to a whole range of factors...tat worked out so well for me!

i am who i am because of how i came to be....i choose to see myself as a Muslim a psychologist a teacher a businessman...my passion is people and i know now wat want to aspire to be....but these different roles need different skills but right now im focusing on becoming a psychologist....

ESPECIALLY now tat im faced with the adversity of an experience tat wants to change who i am and how i came to be by making me go thru new experiences of which the environmental social and developmental variables are controlled in a certain way following certain doctrines of values and certain beliefs...in a new social system with absolute and undying consistency reinforcing it over and over again....day after day after day...

but in any analysis and in applying tat art, 1 must also look at the good points as well....there are some good to wat im going thru....e.g i wake up early to pray my suboh (morning) prayers....i see and learn healthy ways of leading a healthy lifestyle....which is unlike the lifestyle tat leads to obesity....a new perspective...which is really cool (but i know there are other ways in getting and staying healthy as well...so im aware therefore im not gonna apply it totally or i'll get absorbed into the system :) )....personal hygiene and the way i look after it-key to being attractive as a man and stuff like tat tat i personally see use in....

its not possible to escape the system totally.....but being aware being alert and being awake (with conscience) would minimize the impact of the system on my identity.....

i keep reminding myself reinforcing my own identity and who i want to be which helps ALOT! writing and keeping a journal helps in identifying managing and regulating my own tots and feelings which helps alot. i find myself taking on tat role and helping people....and i find alot of pleasure, meaning and satisfaction in helping the way i do....so i think in future tis is how I'll fit in as a "troubleshooter" in the system....

life is good....hehe!

BU$$INE$$

2011-01-03T01:40:00.002+08:00

yo! im doing great but at this point in time im getting very sleepy....i have a few things left undone

to study up on social psychology and grp dynamics as well as behaviorism....and organise ideas in my head for BU$$INE$$ haha....zzzzzzz

if u dont like my values and beliefs.....i have others......

2010-12-25T12:53:00.000+08:00

i am rafi....

and in my mind i am free...

i love myself and my own identity....

i may not look much but i attract life to whoever i see...

people dont realize it....just let it be.....

i will not die away for i am here to forever stay....

i am of that personality....
tat makes his mark wherever he may be....

so this part of me i treasure alot u see....

so why must i change and conform to society?

man-made laws and man-made rules dont apply to me....

for i am a leader and i choose my own destiny....

if u dont like my values and beliefs....i always have others....can u see?....

its funny the system wants to change me....

but i understand how it works rationally....

so psychologically i study...

in the artificial environment tat im forced to be....thru observation and long reflection

while im on light duty....

its funny... how quick people change its scary....

but i believe change is the only constant there is...see?

its funny how feelings can come to be

but feelings are beautiful like a rainbow or an acorn tree....

im gonna publish all i see....im already using the system against it effectively....

im gonna make alot of money....if there is a power greater than me

than surely it is whom i pray to i urge u to see....

please know tat i can only be just me...for i know myself better than u....see? now...wat can u tell....abt me?

im a true blue singaporean!!!!!

2010-11-25T15:57:00.000+08:00

hmm lets c.....im going to NS(National Service.....enlisted in the police force) in 19 days time....for my non-Singaporean netizens tat means every Singaporean male over the age of 16 to 21 must serve a mandatory period of 2 years(24 months) in various positions in the 5 defence sectors (army, navy, police, air force, civil defence or in other words the firefighting brigade) within the age limit of 21 years of age.....the reasoning for this?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conscription_in_Singapore
Singapore is a small country and only we can defend it being an island nation and we lack manpower.....so we do it.....there is a lot of controversy regarding this topic and some of them are:

-NS men are cheep labor for the government (NS men are given and allowance from as little as $400 and not get paid $1500 unlike civil servants ) since employees of the government use NS men to do their bidding....

-NS men are psychologically conditioned to feel, act, see and think in a certain way that is of benefit to the investments of the government and the economy and to learn to conform and obey to the social norms set by the government, thereby having a major impact on each and every individual male's values, beliefs and personality-(maybe a reason y women think all guys are the same?? LOL joke! joke!) in a 1 party ruling system used in governance in the field of politics in singapore so as to secure a vote being conditioned as to which political party to vote for and so on.....

-NS men are cruelly treated and are denied human rights LOL

-NS men must labor for Singapore while foreigners who got Singapore citizenship need not

-and many many more absurd rumors

seriously people? get a life!!! we must do wat we must for her highness singapura right? we must save our mother singapura! for we are true singaporeans!!!

uncertainty......

2010-10-29T17:11:00.002+08:00

we are all surrounded by it yet...we live in it, thrive in it and we are still here and life still goes on....

im talking about uncertainty...the dark realm of nothing-ness tat we fear....imagine a jungle filled with the most poisonous plants, animals and everything else tat can sting, bite, spit, scatter in the wind, poison to kill u! now imagine your alone and its night....its dark....PITCH BLACK....u cant even see your hands nor is there any moonlight....n u have to walk through the jungle.....how would u feel? wat would u choose to do?....do u stay and wait for the silver of dawn to walk through the jungle?....or do u take the dark and lonely route surrounded by darkness to cross the jungle and risk it out?

anyways tats how i feel right now....but im coping with it....is not all tat scary staring a business....its also kinda exciting and creative!!!

tat someday begins....NOW!!

2010-10-16T04:58:00.000+08:00

who fits in your shoe?

wat is the size of your shoe?

where is your shoe?

when do u need it n when do u want it?

which shoe on which occasion do u want to be in?

how did u get here?

we all have a place/world/shoe in this world....where we identify with our situations and environments, relate to it and call it home....the world is such a huge place....but the world isn't our subjective reality which is our own little worlds we live in....our very own shoe....we all must find our own shoe tat fits us personally....

i dont know mine.....n i dont know who wants to include me in their world and who i want to include in my world and would they stick around or not....still trina figure out, riding out change....maybe someday...

maybe someday i would be useful to society....to the world....and be acknowledged for my strengths and have a caring hand across my back telling me i got your back for my soft spots.....

maybe someday i would be financially free and live comfortably without wishing if only i had 10cents more i can buy this drink.....and not feel embarrassed abt not having enough resources....

maybe someday i would conquer my inner demons now tat i have come to understand them and manage them better....

maybe someday i would reach a level of skill tat sets new records and transforms the very meaning of evolution

maybe someday i can call this island my home...but there are too much things right now tat make me not to...

maybe someday i can get to travel the world and see places have new experiences and rediscover new places domestically....

maybe someday i would have acquired enough knowledge and understanding in islam and followed the religion with insight on wat it really means to do wat u have to and abstain from wat u must not do and understand allah and all his attributes, witness it with my heart, mind and soul and say the shahadah each time i do....

maybe someday i would know tat all my sins were forgiven and tat i can have 1 shot at the 7th heaven

tat someday begins....NOW!!

key meanings....

2010-08-28T04:23:00.002+08:00

okokokokokok.....first abt work.....quit internship @ jurong bird park (LEARNT LOADS) cuz the amt of work and the pay with the long distance travels didn't just cut it....than joined parkway medical center in the strategic planning dep. .....after tat contract i was scheduled to work for YOG stuff....but got canceled....so there....my life so far....

whom am i kidding?

i cant go on....no....NO!!!....working for others, working for a company, working while someone breathes down on me, working while i have to be in a routine.....no.....

i mean...i tried to fit in like tat...i was very self critical....i tot tat its my own ego or pride....or sometimes i tot im being lazy and slow....or tat i haven't excepted how working life is and need to get used to shit...i know i can be difficult....i know i can be hard to handle sometimes...so i tired....

but the thing is....DEPRESSION.....i became sad...horribly sad and thoroughly depressed....unmotivated....as each day went by i got more n more sad....as i sank into routine my productivity plunged....as i got up early, pangs and waves of despair hit me...as i got into the train i realized i was becoming a zombie like everyone else...as i got to work i saw the same faces and the same politics and more shit...as i went for lunch they wouldn't even quietly let the hungry man (me!....im the type to eat quietly) finish his meal without talking abt MORE work....

i don't wanna do tis....there has to be a better way.....

i don't wanna do tis....but im no lazy ass....

i don't wanna do tis....and i know i can do better....

i don't wanna do tis....and i wanna be useful to society....

i don't wanna do tis.....so WAT do i want to do?

wats my passion? the intrinsic motivation....the only kind/type of motivation tat never burns out that fills me up tat gives me will tat makes me think tat fuels me tat feeels so good tat makes me happy?

i gave wat i wanna do alot of tot....in wat motivated me....in wat i wanna do to earn a living....

in Wat's gonna define my identity and make it strong ....i came up with, "3 very different but critical to me and my identity" answers.....

1. i wanna become a psychologist specializing in diagnosis/analysis- helping ppl whoever and whatever they are become better....

2. i wanna do business- be my own boss....do trading (tat way i can travel the world and meet diff. ppl of diff. background) and counseling

3.i wanna teach (tank u Dr fong for the influencessss)-empower the next Gen so tat in a way...i live my life forever....in a way my will is passed on....and in someone's heart it will burn blue and it will burn bright.......

So....its decided... *deep breath* im opening up my own company....based on passion, mastery, autonomy and other principles..... oh n everything i wrote it was damm honest so.....tanks for reading...and follow me...and my journey in life!

work work work....

2010-08-02T01:36:00.001+08:00

hey all!

sorry i don't update often but alot is happening and i'm so busy busy busy with a lot of work will update u out soon so be patient with me! JA!

passion

2010-06-18T23:48:00.002+08:00

note to self:

chase after sth, only seen in your mind

run after sth, only u can will enough to run

imagine sth, only u and no one else can

feel for sth, only u can feel

to the end of the world,

till the legs wear out,

till the day comes, when the realm of dreams creases to just seem,

till the heart stops aching, longing to see wat can only be seen in the mind...

2010-06-12T02:47:00.000+08:00

tmr is a big day for me...

i tried my luck with a position of supervisor the other day...

weird thing was...i got a place in the interview....it will really really really give me the much needed exp. to progress in my career...but me, a 19 year old fresh who haven go ns yet got a chance?...only if tmr's interview ppl were losuy candidates...i dont know how....hope i can pull it off...

truth is...im SICK of going to interviews...

no one wants someone who haven finish ns or is a fresh grad.(like a jail term yet to be served n kenna conditioned sia ns)...

i mean...im willing to learn (means 0 pride)

i don't expect more than $1500-standard market rate for diploma...

i don't expect to be in positions like managers and senior executives...

i don't expect other benefits besides my pay unlike other ppl my age...yet...haizzzzz....

and i hate it tat i don't know my enlistment date so i (& my potential employers) can know for sure! how long i can commit...

since its not known, u think employers want to just give me a job based on luck and chance? (even if "fresh grads are welcome!")

like tat how?

only 1 thing can make me happy now...analyse learn research suggest solutionsss n know more abt psychology...

i enjoy it! i love it! i lust after it!

BUT!!!!

i will try my VERY best tmr!!!!!!!!! and have nooo rergrets!!!!!! muhahaaa~!

the story of memo....

2010-06-08T16:38:00.000+08:00

Bloggy!

haha! wat a beautiful day!

cant wait for bleach movie to come out!! whoooow!

cant wait for one piece strong world storyline to appear as well!

cant wait to c alot of good things!

okok....here is the lowdown on my fishy...

i happened to pass by tis cash converter store (2nd hand shop)

n i saw tis 20 litter fish tank with a hang-on-back filter, air stone with tubes, air pump, box filter with filter foam and tank divider for $20...so i bought it la...such a good deal wat...everything worked! (tank god!)

so than the next day i bought fishes(neon tetras, guppies & serpae tetras ) for the aquarium with some plants and added a twister wood later...aslo i bought red cherry shrimps to aid cleaning the tank...but when i did a water change nearly all died...left 2 fish and 0 shrimp...from abt 20 fishy and 6 shrimp...so saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddddd!

but i have learnt from my mistakes(thru ALOT of research) and doing better now...heres the thing...1 shrimp was berried(have eggs)and i found it just after the mayday event...i saved her and put her in another tank...she died abit later but i saved the eggs and put it back into the tank...just hope they hatch...the gestation time is ard a month...29 jun would be a big day...if nth happens...wait for a week...still nth...than i would stop the tank...if sth happens and they hatch...

i would call them memo!(like nemo! haha!)

i now realize the value of life...and am grateful for mine!

bob

2010-06-03T00:51:00.001+08:00

Hiiiiiiiiii~!

sorry 4 not blogging for an entire month!!

haha!

i was trina find job(got a job but quit cuz was sooo mundane and repetitive) and was generally lazy! haha...not like ppl read my blog anyway! but i had a lot of fun and i bought a fish tank and there was so much drama surrounding it...tell u later muhehehe!

ja!

2010-04-23T00:41:00.000+08:00

my soul has a dent

my fingers now vent

to forgive myself i just really cant

so now helplessly i lament and rant

my sorrow away i intent

to break away i just really cant...

choices are our voices when we die

which our children listen loud as basses

the way it reaches places

its so scary them consequences

to wash our sins away

how do i undo this day

with more good and forgiveness can i say

im missing sth hey?

i know! to break the habit today

so tat i'll be free under 6 feet when i lay...

prob. is...HOW???

2010-04-17T23:19:00.000+08:00

HI~!....

wat way to do sth new than to first blog abt it!! haha...

im gonna start on 2 projects....

1st one is to find the knowledge skills abilities n other characteristics learnt in a detailed way and to match that knowledge skills abilities n other characteristics to a JOB!...as i can virtually do any job (except FnB and Sales...i not suited to in personality) so tat i can build my career n maximize wat i can apply in real life

(http://jobsearch.about.com/cs/careerresources/a/careerchange.htm )

(http://psychology.about.com/od/careersinpsychology/a/careersbach.htm)

2nd 1 is to make sure my foundation in psychology is solid so i can go on do a degree in it...preferably Australian...not real sure yet...so im gonna review on wat i did...c where i can improve on and build on my knowledge...come up with an organisation of somme sort...c how!!

2010-04-11T22:59:00.000+08:00

neva really blogged for awhile now cuz i had tis temp job i was busy with...

anyway i and my sweet girlfren joined up in darul akram for the

FREE basic islamic course and boy are we getting the fundamentals of islam solid or wat?!! n yes its free!!

my NS medical screening is aso cleared so now waiting for the enlistment date TBA...

i had so much fun today visiting the botanical gardens today with rifa just absorbing the scenery!

i gon lose weight b4 i go in...wont lose to other guys! muhahahaha~!

i love rifa ALOT...love u darling! tank u for all u do 4 me so far! i really appreciate u!!

life

2010-04-02T04:11:00.001+08:00

sorry 4 long delay on blogging...kinda forgot to blog as i was preoccupied trina rest my soul and recover from GP and also some personal issues...anyway here is something i wish to share...

and tat is: I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT!!

im dead on serious tis time...im sad tat im outa shape and stamina-less...not good 4 the heart...not good for anything...

here's a sudden inspiration abt empty abandoned places...like how my old school chalton primary(hougang site) was, the last time i was there...

tick tok vibes the clock

down the empty dusk lit block

sending shock waves thru the iron grill locked

it got droped it got stopped

its history its a mystery

cluttered by litter clustered

thru the sound of the static noise

u cant hear except 1 voice

its a feeling of the building

where once upon a time in my mind it was bustling

where children ran around

playing without a frown

wat happen to u man?

why'd u go down?

broken basins and leaking pipes

messy gardens and uncut fields, im like

y cant a school look different from other schools

with 2 blocks and a bigger field

with 2 canteens isnt tat cool?

or am i fool to say your systerms are outdated

like a stone age tool

the saga seed tree

standing still tall and free

i hope it was the key

the key to c wat it always sees

i guess tats wat life is

contants of change is wat it gives
so live life and give life

4 tomorrow today, wat do u say?

i just think is a little sad to c a empty decrepit building with no energy to it...it reminds me just how things always change...in tat sense/viewpoint/perspective/angle there is no comfort zone...its an illusion, a mental shortcut to wat might not be real all the time...i love life...it gives us so many things...good, bad, in-between...its a real ride...

1 LIFE

1 SHOT

1 GOD

fun in the sun

2010-03-17T16:12:00.000+08:00

woohoo!!

last few days had a wild helluva time!!

firstly the day b4 yesterday went cycling with RIFA! was so fun riding ard hougang sengkang and compassvale...went to the old circuit where i used to ride and practice...was so damm fun!

i fixed my own bicycle seat and than met her below her blk ard 5? 6?...than helped her pump her bicycle...she needs another bicycle seat cuz her current 1 too small lol....aft her bic was pumped nicely we rode back near my hse to change the wheel caps for the tires...i had extra so...

then we rode to the ol' circuit where i, kai, nic and the others used to ride and improve our skills we used to call ourselves raydog...another bicycle gang tat later got dropped cuz of internal issues...by the time we got there was already late late and sha sha was tired tired...had a lil rest near there and walked thru the circuit b4 going back home going down hill all the way!!

than yesterday went out with raj makan popeyes in airport...met him aft like 9 long mths...he got attached to miss sasi 6 mths ago and still going strong...glad to know he got some1 there for him on a more personal level...really happy 4 him :) just hope tis time round he doesn't have to go thru so much shit like how his ex did him in....i doubt tat would happen too!!

called cmpb to ask my status they took down my no. and said they would call back! i want go back to camp!! even yen ming, jun hao they all went in ready in still outsiddddddddeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! wanna finish quick and do degree quick!!

so tat i can get a job build my career working for a few years b4 doing masters/doctorate. than i wanna hopefully marry, work some more building a soild portfolio than migrate!! where? still researching...haha...u make a plan but does it tie in with god's plan 4 u?...only time will tell...

next step

2010-03-07T04:30:00.001+08:00

WOOHOOO GP OVER!!!!!!!!!!

wat a great year

wat a great course

made a lot of noise

resonated with my voice

had fun found new friends

its done so now i can

the world never looked so much greater

i feel soo good like pure dew of the water

its crazy how much i did

indeed to allah is my gratitude

and a prayer for newer altitude

till my life runs out without a doubt

i ran about

till my legs give up like leaky cup

"wats up?"

till my sight blurred by the end of the light

i'll stick to wats truly right

i'll be the ant who never says cant

feeling by the feelers the order of the ceator

im just a slave a tool a nobody

except part of an infinite energy

who can do me in when im destined to be

who im fated to be

been becoming the being from the very beginning

so when the purpose fulfilled fills...it feels good~!

Quote:

* If you plant honesty, you will reap trust

* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends

* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness

* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment

* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective

* If you plant hard work, you will reap success

* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation

* If you plant faith in Allah, you will reap a harvest.

So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap later.

Whatever You Give To Life, Life Gives You Back

GPGPGPGPGPGPGPGPGPGPGPGPG

2010-02-20T00:25:00.000+08:00

at long last the fire burns

hot deep n blue...i am pumped up abt my gp cuz is going really really well!!

never expected myself to be this way abt it...

see i had trouble doing gp as i thought abt it in a web (R-brained)

instead of a step-by-step process (L-brained)...

when i realized it i kinda was surprised

but im not used to thinkin tis way so it took me quite a while to

process n than organize my work...good thing most of the

research is done n i just have to apply wat i learn from the various modules in the course

makes sense...it is my Graduation Project after all...wat beta way to graduate!! haha~!

2010-02-17T02:23:00.002+08:00

every song a rythem

every pulse a beat

every speaker a volume

every tune a pitch

every hymm a tone

every key a note

every man a women

every mind a body

every body a soul

music makes me express

music makes me impress

music makes me de-stress

music makes me progress

doing G.P. ...haha~!

just spitting...see?

2010-02-09T19:56:00.003+08:00

paralyzed by the immensity of the intensity

its hampering me

its killing me

is being an artist means i wont make any money?

well, wat abt the passion to express myself as how allah wants it to be?

than when i make it, don't doubt it, still, i cant take it

tis fear and uncertainty

i dont know but its just drawing me,

closer to the creator, to draw on wat how i see, see?

there's only 1 thing constantly

on my mind i imagine and envison a simulation

tat gives such an escalation of joy and emotion

still tis weird notion that society has tat entertainment

isnt gonna bring anything convenient

is crazy how people think we will all die off sooner or later

i need to build a wall and need some time to stop them

haters judges and posers

and sink inside the quicksand of a thousand men, inside me

where im fighting to make a choice cuz

tats life, either i use my voice, and maka helluva noise

or i stay quiet n follow on the art of the mind

but im tat kind who cant be here nor there

but be everywhere is tat fine?

the hyperactive kid, kinda crazy messed up

a broken cup tat still looks intact but look closer at the cracks

it'll shock u n make u go wack

and why is it tat

u wont leave me alone, always breathing down my neck

leave me be, leave me some space to work creatively

where im calm

dowwwn enough to connect to

the universe to

bring u another verse from it, do u get it?

the creative process is an innovative prospect

i can bring respect to myself with tat

cuz im just a bugger who'll irrtiate u and get bigger

a joker who doesnt know to give up

but my heart is heavy so my body feels like a big yellow chevy

parked in the ave. of insanity

do i even make sense to u? do u get me?

tell u wat! just watch me n i'll show u me, myself and i in due birth, savy?

let me tell something u there's something about the nothing

of a piece of paper and a pen

how it smells like parchment

and makes a scribbling sound when your writing

like a samurai sword and his weapon

your pulse flows thru it and your in action

the sound of excitement when u pen in it down, im not acting,

its expressing true emotion

expressed thru u who listen

when i flow hard on the spittin

and deliver lyrically and do u know tat to me is true happiness

see in tat 1 moment i feel soo good i can die in peace

and be truly be released no chance of a relapse

unless back to it

i come n go as i please

i like it! i love it! im an addict to it

it feels good to build it bit by bit

the record comes straight out of the unbilical cord

its professional as well as dramatical and its as radical as

i myself annd me would be

and i would be shocked

like how the war ended when the A- bomb dropped

im not meant to be stopped

till i burn out and need to be strapped

in a white strait jacket in a padded locked up cell

hell, ring the bell and tell em tat im saved by the bell

do u still think tat i cant sell?

yell, if u think i can and i'll say yay!

hey? wat do u say? baby?

seriously i wonder y now y i worry?

homie, do u know me? im a lil bit crazy

but dont u try to save me or even worry

im aaall-ready like tat yo, ever since i was a baby

u can try me to see if i phon

but i keep it real

n i know tat u know tat we all know tat we can feel

isnt life such a thrill?

by the will of god do i breath still

wat a way to pay the bills

i hope i find a studio n make a cameo

and record yo, blast it on the stereo

and throw my flow

lace it with the bases and base it on with the verses

and see the places it will take me

i dont think u can do like i do and just do

which part of u needs a reason y not act on an delusion of illusion

i made it my mission to follow up on my vision

so lets see what my decision would be given

so interested and keen in being

eager to write to have been in real life

with a wife so loyal who sounds cute

and bubbly like a flute

and strangely in tune

like a princess over the Arabian sand dunes

who appeared to be immune

to me carrying a painted maroon rune

tat would inspire me even more soon b4 noon

and when the moon is over the noon her sweet perfume

separates me from my platoon and hits me like a tyhoon

she is as crazy as i can ever be

life is like a tree

when she is around me

there is chemistry

and the geography is ideal to sneak out to hang out together, see?

im sorry if i did offend u but tis just me being me ...weee~!

the plant and the tree...n the crazy thingy inbetween...

2010-02-08T02:58:00.000+08:00

where will i be in 10 years time?

that qn in itself feels like 10 tonnes...

uncertainty...fear...worry...doubt...anxiety...

i got plenty of these doses of them...plenty...

not only in 10 mg but in 1000mgs...

the biggest qn tat always grips me is...will i have enough money?

will i be resourceful enough?

will i be some1 great?

n i hate qns tat have no answers...

if i were to drop all the mgs and not take them into the bloodstream...

if i were to forget reality the world n even me...

than i would be able to imagine...wat i would be...

with hope excitement joy ecstasy wonder and awe...

i remember when i was younger i saw a tree...a saga tiger-seed tree...

thick was its trunks and wide did it spread...i looked up to it...trees represent life...

the tree still stands there today...

i wanted to be alot of things...

scientist, astronaut, teacher author, doctor, rapper, artist, game tester and so on...

i imagine i could be a...

married man

have good beautiful house with a garden

be a psychologist and author as i get more exp.and professional

be a true artist...someone who can capture or bring abt real emotions

which is presented in a crazy n creative way

be spiritually fit n healthy with a healthy lean n fit body

have good true friends who withstood the test of time with me

that would be nice...tat would be really nice...

damm...

2010-02-05T03:21:00.000+08:00

why me?...why do i have to go thru soo much bullshit?...

if u conceive...u will achive...

2010-02-04T04:13:00.001+08:00

i vaguely remember when i was a lil baby boi i used to be a

hyperactive sugar enriched kid(some things never change )...

except during lesson time...during lessons i followed the crowd n shut up but i became more dreamy n daydreamed my lower primary years away

(not paying attention :p)

i don't really remember much abt wat i dreamed abt...but sth very interesting happened...as i grew older it slowly and surely went away...i just stopped imagining @ some point...my capacity to imagine n envision n peer into the future was pretty much hampered

(tanks to the education system which made me more L-brained)...

looking back i realize i have forgotten wat it was like to imagine...

i remember faintly, a kinda joy tat comes out of it ...

i hadn't realized tat imagination was a key factor in creation...

tat imagination is the ability to materialize sth which previously only virtually existed in the mind's eye to sth more tangible n real,

watever it may be!!!

I had missed the point!!

TO LIFE!!

2010-01-31T17:28:00.001+08:00

time to blog blog blog annnd........BLOG!!

my GP(graduation project) is going in full swing!!

but the thing is tat is really complicated and the lack of time (only 1 month)

is a killer as i know now tat for the next 10 or so days im gonna have to work around the clock

or else im not gonna make it in time...die die die...or maybe not really...why? simple! i like wat im doing!!

muhehehehe~!

this is it...seriously~!

love the love of my life my love

2010-01-26T16:43:00.025+08:00

oh n ignore my last post...

This post is exclusively dedicated to SHARIFAH BEGUM!!!

click here...Heres a song for you...

see, we have a lot in common...food, personal beliefs, lifestyle, family setting, even similar sins;not sth to be proud of, but yeah...my love n belonging needs now more satisfied...the timing n proximity is ok too...i really really enjoy being with her, the dynamics and the chemistry between us in this relationship, even thru is not tat often i get to see her (we still got our own things to do like sch n projects)...

From Rafi to Rifa,

Shining through the silvery lined clouds, on me, a single golden ray

Hey, can you even allow such beauty these days?

Am i somehow deeply moved by her unique ways?
Rugged and rigorous in routine my bachelor heart was
I was, yeah, till the songstress sacredly sang, even her flaws
Figure this one might fill me up and actually last
Am certain now,cuz the awesome time i already have with her,
is slowly healing our past
Hey, this spartan, on her system like sweet venom, i indeed made love,
steadily spread fast (xp!)

Because of? fun! love! peace! and joy!

Eternity can't run! when you, observe! the timepiece!made of alloy!
Getting to know you, my real and true self i did be able to deploy
U are from the very few the only one, i would enjoy to say
Me? what did i do~?!

Muhehe~!

too much demands...break a man down

2010-01-24T22:31:00.001+08:00

pangs of insecurity hits me along with waves of uncertainty

its not easy dealing with yourself while dealing with others @ the same time

these personal issues n its triggers, triggers me from the past

i tot i was free from it....but still, till now it lasts

woe me, for i lament my fears, worry n sorrow

are my cries heard? how would i know?

how are u supposed to except some1 when they havent excepted themselves?

how are u supposed to except some1 who is always changing?

how are u supposed to except some1 who doesn't know their own identity?

how are u supposed to except some1 when i myself am not stable in my own identity?

how are u supposed to except some1, so fast, let alone trust completely

when all along they know your complete history?

its a decision i made

its a choice i took

its not easy but acceptance and trust can constantly be done

for the only constant in life(which is change) can be fun

an open mind, some time if u are so kind

and when u become stable n fine

i'll accept u for the way u are

every line n every scar

my identity crises still yet to be resolved

be4 they try da condition me

i must know me

neither here nor there than where am i?

who am i?

these qns will be answered b4 april fools day

tats not a lie...

2010-01-18T00:26:00.001+08:00

THE PATH TO JANNAH (Heaven)

therein lies a path....a path that can be seen

a path to Jannah, u can see it appear

at first glance,looks so vague and unclear

filled with an uncertain fear

coupled by seemingly hard work

that might make someone go berserk

yet a path does exists

all the Prophets, martyrs, sages and gurus would agree

and testify tat it is the righteous path to become free

but i see that we all see it

u can bet your dollar on it

tat we somehow, sometimes choose to ignore it

we take tat path for granted

human nature it is labeled

a mental shortcut an assumption

and our errors in our perception

to the unbelievers the path does not carve

like how u dont see through a curve

they dont get gods love

for a seal has been placed over their hearts

they cant feel it but its there topping the charts

break-out and would rise beyond only the smarts

therein lies a path....a path that can be seen

a new day brings around new says

2010-01-14T23:42:00.004+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE~!

seriously, this is the first time i've ever studied for exams on x'mas n new year...

didnt even celebrate as it didn't feel like a new year till now tat exams are over!!

last year was AWESOME!!

i changed like so soo much...seriously...

from insecure n fragmented carrying emotional baggage to whole, complete, congruent and happy

from i cant/maybe can to DONE!

from hate hate hate all those who spit me down n stopping me and make me hate me to

a wall of conscious single minded focus on wat i want and the reality of the situation

from low self esteem and inferiority complex, to managing myself better n tasting high self esteem(for the very first time in my entire 17 years of life)!!

from nobody to somebody;an identity tat exists as clear as shadow

from not gonna ever happen to the world is the limit

from stupid, blur, numb skull n retarded to smart n wise and creative

from lazy, depressed, couch potato to hardworking alpha dog

from no life to burning desire soo hot if i didn't satisfy it I'll never R.I.P;

an endless flame for knowledge

from no talents-at-all-whatsoever to things tat i can do well in and excel

from plain, old unnoticeable weird thing to BOOMING addictive energy and its

vibes tat can make heads turn round without a frown

from distorted polarity to being efficiently able to handle the id-the kid in me (mostly T.L.), ego superego(adult rafi!) and the spectrum of emotions tat come along with it via different persona...
from only 1 perspective to lateral thinking at the same time
from left brain to using at least some right brain (finally)
from questions un-answered for too long to definitive fullstops

who would have known...tat tat little kid whose crazy just a little bit would break out of the hampering negativity of family, friends and society...and in a country with no identity this world is mine to cast my baits...

who would have known...tat the boy who was furiously, desperately struggling to cope with personal issues and come to closure with them ALL would get attached to a beautiful gorgeous girl right after he DID...(the biggest challenge/competition or most formidable enemy...is yourself)

2010 will be the deciding year of my future career...what i will do or whom i become or when I'll be free form any financial strain i don't know...but a new beginning marks the fact tat Im alive, healthy, mentally, emotionally, n physically...tank u god for everything!! tank u! tank u! tank u!...i live on to c 2010...perhaps I'll live on to c myself make my mark on earth or die trying...

im glad im alive and im here

tat means ive got nth to fear

for tmr is way too complex to analyze

today I'll do my best continue living each day as if it were my last n

reach for greater heights in the next stage of personal evolution...

i know now tat i matter

i know now tat i too am destined for good n great things

i know now tat i can do it

i know now...n most importantly...im happy~!

2010-01-10T02:23:00.002+08:00

hmmm...lets see

let me make something very clear...

If u don't like my blog u wont like me...

my blog speaks of me...n is very very honest...if u dont like it u wont like me...i dont know but i think its my own freedom of right to put up whatever i want in it as it is me. furthermore according to, Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary a blog is "a Web site that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments, and often hyperlinks provided by the writer; also : the contents of such a site" so there...

this post is just to let every1 out there know that i am who i am n i cant be anyone different so if u dont like it...

guess to u be your way and to me be mine...

i dont know...maybe some ppl may have a problem with me...i dont know...

i just think u maybe worse than me cuz u aint allowed yourself to express yourself to see yourself express yourself unlike me...n just when im finally be able to accept myself too...born to be an artist i guess...oh well i know where i stand and wat i stand for so...

natural progressions....

2010-01-06T14:37:00.002+08:00

yesterday had exams...was easy la...

dont know why i was so worked up over it...

tmr another one...tis 1s harder...muhehe~!

im at a point in my life where there are 2 distinct paths to take that will determine the entire course of my life forever...see...the only thing u should be doing is the passion you're so loving; there is an equation that says:

passion + interest = money coming in automatically

this is the secret in choosing a job...your gonna be doing it to earn money for the rest of your working life, spending nearly half your time awake in it. so is only logical u do sth tat u like or your gonna sink into depression and resentment (unhappiness) sooner or latter...at least i would as i tried doing other kinds of work like service n FnB but my personality doesn't suit it...

all those who ever made it to the A-list in their respective fields loveeed wat they did and went single mindedly towards living their passion and never gave up cuz of the internal desire motivation energy to do well...

my passion is PEOPLE...but here is the dilemma...i dont know whether to reach out and make a difference thru music or by becoming a psychologist...

see ever since young, i have always LOVED the english language...i waz a bookworm...wat soceity would label as a nerd/geek...started when i went to primary school n had to buy story book to read as it was compulsory...

in primary school, while the rest of the kids were so absorbed in playing ball and running ard mindlessly i was locked away, an introvert, in the library finishing reading all the books tat were there...so while the others were trina write a composition i could write stories nearly 1000 words long...while they were struggling to start it and string words together i was trina not speak words too big for the rest to understand...i was made fun of, ridiculed and kicked off off the "normal" list...also because of my teeth the way it is (i love how it is now as is still symmetrical and cute~!) i was an outcast, neither here nor there but anywhere u perceive me to be...i would fail every subject but top english and science always having an interest in it...

happened the same in secondary school...neither here or there, an outcast...as the third person outside society not really fitting in on any of the labels, i noticed things ppl usually dont as they are so caught up with their own world...i got interested in music n listened to it (all kinds) all day n night having the old dusty black radio switched on esp. on fridays listening to the top 10 music in spore(which was always slower n less happening than other countries) soon i came across rap n hip-hop and LOVED it and it was always a top preference...

in sec 4 there was a course aft N levels i took in school to produce music...was fun... more than fun, was an eye opener...ever experienced intense stress tat u actually like?...in our course we were supposed to write, produce n record music in a real studio...the song was called "please come back gal" and i wrote it...n we recorded it...

i was always writing...never had my hand empty,always having a pen it it...was comfortable and gave me a sense of security...i wrote in books and stuff even vandalizing school property...now i have a thick file and 4 books filled with rhythms, rhymes, metaphors, similes,some wordplay, interesting phrases, incomplete songs, full songs, subject matter which i have yet to write abt, poems, prose and stuff...

i got influenced to express myself thru writing by my ex-girlfriend...i always loved music...always loved english...always loved writing...always loved people as everyting i do is abt them and relates to them in some way or other...writing is my own little way of coping managing and facilitating my own emotions and thoughts...if i dont write...i will go crazy...seriously~!

but there is always another side to the coin...after secondary school i took up psychology...why?...natural progression i guess...i grew up seeing things i could'nt explain... my environment was like tat...a family tat never really was a family, the shit tat happened to my bro my sis and my own life...so i wanted to know more...some reasons or answers to be at peace with my mind tat still cant stop asking qns...some kinda understanding and knowledge abt things tat happened why they happened n the way i behaved and reacted n all...now im much much happier and have found some answers...the question is...wat now?

which path do i choose? music or psychology...both boils back down to ppl...but wat would i do? i wanna do a degree, definitely in psychology...but i also wanna continue wat i have always been doing...reading writing listening doing crazy stuff and seeking attention...if i go down tat way i would become an artist, composer performer...if i go down my current way i would become a psychologist councilor researcher...

so wat should i do?...im still not really 100% sure...

i will do a degree in psychology and graduate with honors...i also wanna improve my skills in writing songs, rapping with a better candice and swagger, free-styling. resonating expressing emotions in a way ppl can relate and understand and making better music tat will reach NO.1 in the charts...maybe a gig or 2 would be fun!

2010-01-04T19:54:00.002+08:00

tomorrow got exams...i feel like its the last day on earth for me...n when im home now no food at home!!

hope i dont fail(anything below an A is fail)......

i find myself asking myself yet again...

wat if i fail? wat if i fail in life? wat if i couldn't bring back home any money?

will ppl still love me?

society will view me useless n dope!

parents disappointed?

loved 1s unsatisfied?

friends trina cheer me up?

fear fear fear...go away....

dont know y this comes back to my mind now...i got a clue though...should work on it...

get my life in order!

repression in its purerest form......

2009-12-22T21:35:00.007+08:00

note to self*

mistakes......

who ever knew they would have the power to hunt you

till your last breath

till you feel soo much pain its even hard to breathe

till the shame overtakes your system and drowns you downwards, towards the gates of hell

till the guilt makes you feel like your actually living in hell

whenever you remember it

whenever something triggers it

why were you soo stupid?

why did you go thru soo much bullshit?

and all for wat?

so tat you end up
cut up in fragmented parts?

never here nor there

never a sinner or a saint

but forgiving oneself, is such an impossible pain

that there is no salvation or freedom from such a chain

death might only bring abt more wicked suffering

over wat had already happened, its no use lying or crying

no use regretting

only good thing

is you don't stop praying

asking for mercy

but you don't know whether god is being forgiving

which is really scar-ing

which is really frightening

so u dont even know what
intro, verse, bridge, chorus, or outro

the future is in

uncertainty is in

its a curse to be stuck in

n once you die the punishment might be starting

the only best bet you have while you are living

is to pray for
some internal peace
some forgiveness
some mercy
some way to know your release
some reason
cuz come daylight you might crease to exist

and never ever repeat wat u had did

for if u ever ever repeat wat u had did,
it would make u feel like shit

it would kill u on the inside

there's no end to it

god! on me me!,please please! dont damm it......

2009-12-18T23:06:00.000+08:00

yesterday was the last day of school...im gonna miss all the fun, laughter n joy we had...we saw each other back in march and got each other together as friends...than we saw each other change and there was no going back to the way things were for all of us...

i became more human...more me...more congruent...less pain more happy...
most importantly more smarter...
there were times more turbulent than a roller-coaster...
there were times when i was depressed as memories repressed
surfaced at a such an impressing fashion...
slowly, painfully, steadily i worked on myself and got good feedback from ppl ard me...
now i feel good!!im no longer the way i was...
my new found love is proof of that cuz she's a treasure trove...

now lies ahead exams...my last chance to get As...
for we only have 1 life, 1 shot n 1 god...
i'll do it...consider it done!!

on a side note...got bitten by a fucking cat today...
i dont have anything against cats in fact i loovvvee cats!!
but i'll make an exception for tat orange cat...stupid cat made me go clinic get an injection & antibiotics...1 of those days i guess...

oh n if it attacks me again i'll protect myself...

ps: i love u sha sha~!

the dawn of a new chapter...

2009-12-14T21:56:00.003+08:00

haha...tats a pic of a gift my friend gave me for xmas...

it says "ive always wanted to be a procrastinator. i just never got around to it".

i know i have changed but i never really realised just how much...till she gave it to me...

in sec 2 or so i wasnt like tis...i was an untrustworthy person who didnt know how to takecare of other ppl's tings n would not keep any promises n WORSE will forget things/ppl/n thier promises...

also i would put things off to the last minute n let the work load pile up...n would never contribute properly or at all in grp work being extremely lazy...wont even attend ncc trainings fairly as well...and grades?...last few in class...homework?...n i'll be like "wat homework?"

tats the kinda bump i was...no life...no goals...no motivation...no nth!!

just an empty shell taking up precious space and resources society would rather do without...

but now...wow!!...esp. this year...been so healing, helpful, insightful and im really grateful for all tat!!

esp. for her...a natural progression...esp. for her...

a natural progression...

she is sweet...she is caring...she is understanding...

she is cute & soo beautiful!!

she came into my life so fast n suddenly...

didnt tot i'll be with her so seriously

every ending has a new beginning...

i guess tis is mine!!

now...tis bliss is formed at this period in time...

but there lies ahead numerous hurdles

just like any other couple just in our own ways...

me with ns, further studies, jobs n

she with o lvls/higher nitec to clear n progress further

coupled with changes a person would go thru n

compensations, sacrifices, ajustments tats to be made

as well as the issue of identity, job n job security, money

winning the family's hearts, forming good impressions

being responsible and accounted for her, family n friends n more...

haa~!the odds are piled up

makes life all the more crazy and interesting...

just the way i like it~!

i like a good challenge

i love my job, i love it~!

so now, when we achieve and overcome these issues in life

when we grow cherish n treasure

when we stick it out together

when we materialise wat we visualise

when life is toil n in ourselves we find tranquillity

it will all the more be more meaningful...

im soo bad @ directions

2009-12-06T20:09:00.007+08:00

well...welcome to my zone...heres a song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuBCtR9huOY&NR=1

YESTERDAY WAS SOOO FREAKING AWESOME!!

a day to remember

a day soo fun

a day tat much happier

a day under the sun

magically, tis is happening so mysteriously

no 1 knows the reason why,its happening so truly secretly

if tis ain't fate

i dont know wat it is

wat are the odds

only knows, the lord

O M G!!

lets run thru life
on the edge of the knife
into a world filled with healing, love and joy, lets dive

see where tis takes us

we all want to be loved n love back so thus...

im soo bad @ directions...

but i tink we're stuck with each other 4 the rest of our remaining emotions

tat is always there, till our last breath lessens

lets go thru life together n learn its lessons

tis so new
n i really like u
i've seen alot of others in life
but your part of the few
who can be
as crazy as me
so lets make this bloom, just we
like the beat tat goes boom
thru my veins soon, is she

they compliment each other

like how im so brute

n your so cute

we're so smart

n we want each other's heart

so lets start
we'll make it bigger than wallmart

tat he can assure
but if u want, u can empirically measure
than u'll really be sure
tat he's here 4 her...

lets do this

like the spark of a kiss

glad on u, i didnt miss

watch me make u my princess...

till than n even after tat i wont rest

cuz i know now tat your the best...

sometimes...mom really knows best...

2009-12-04T01:36:00.011+08:00

well...welcome to my zone...read my post with the song on...

today's post is abt her...

tats my MOM!!

short n cute huh?...
(tink tats y im attracted to kawaii ppl/things/girls)

she's gone to india to visit relatives (whoever they are) and will only be back on jan next year...meanwhile i got the whole place to myself...she's not your usual kinda mom...she's...well...my lovely mom...

when i was 0 to 6 years old i was the classic definition of a mommy's boy...i was securely attached...im glad n tankful to have had the comfort n security needed to grow up in tis world even though it wasn't much....

when i was in K2 i tink i rmber i waz a timid kid...always clinging on to mom seeing big dogs, ppl fighting and gangs clashing. mental patients wondering around. snakes and ppl who did substance abuse ard, n ppl suiciding with blood and guts splattered ard...

my school was only under the block (PAP kinder-garden school)......i was afraid to go to school...erm...my mom...LOL...beat the shit outa me with a broom n forced me to go to school (mayb y i go back to things tat hurt me...negative reinforcement/punishment or sth)...i was forced to face my fears...which i eventually did anyway...but tat was the starting point...

she didnt stop there...@ tat time my dad was overseas working but still my mom was put in a position to also work as times were as such...she taught me how to clean up aft myself and my surroundings, cook, wash clothes, do the dishes, travel from place to place (like really long distances thru mrt n bus) and even the dangers such as to not walk behind the blocks as i could get hit by the things ppl throw down or get wet thru the laundry being held out to dry there or like not to talk to or have eye contact with the mental ppl n bomohs...basically to be independent...she taught me alot of things...

in school alone...i changed pre-school 3 times to n fro here n there...primary school 3 times and secondary?

SKSS FOREVER!! (but now currently in MDIS)

growing up was filled with changes and ALOT of adversity and i had to aso work since 7 years of age doing odd jobs sometimes to have pocket money b4 i moved to sengkang...but she taught me how to be strong and cope with such stuff...even though not really directly, i picked up from her n here n there as i faced the world...my childhood doesn't mean much to me to tell u the honest truth...even though there were things tat i didnt understand and some things tat she did tat i cannot mention here tat made me blame her...i longer do...i now understand tat Asians don't have the skills required to be parents as they do not receive training professionally unlike today's changing times...n besides, she was already trying her best u know?!

looking back i realise just how......how strong she really was to handle the pressures of being a single parent handling me the PSYCHO (DISC = high I) kinda kid, my sis (whom i would always bully and be jealous of cuz of sibling rivalry...i still disturb her till today XP...guess some things never change XD...) my bro who without a dad ard had no proper guidance as mom NEEDED to work to survive us and my elder sis who had already started working back than n trina keep it all together (was like my second mom...grateful to her...probably y i cant get enough of women...) even though she(my big sis) also made her fair share of mistakes...

and for all tat...i have come to respect, love, tank and be grateful to her alot...her faith in god shows the intensity of her energy n her presence is ALWAYS of a commanding nature...her love is like a piece of advice in turbulent times when i know not wat to do...her joviality is like child's play...her lazy nature soo teaches u to sometimes take a chill pill....is it no wonder im aso somewat like tat?...REALLY REALLY glad she didnt over protect and shelter me unlike other parent...

monkey see

monkey do

but monkey saw shit which he never understood

so monkey in psychology; a natural progresssion? so true...

ppl say i have a loads of story behind me...
if u only knew half of it... haha~!

to my MOM:

for without u...i would not be who i am today...

for without u...i am no one unique...

for without u...life would have been soo much more painful and confusing

for without u....n your exemplary faith in god i would have given up and gotten myself in deeper n more painful shit
for without u...i would have never have been able to take care of myself pay my own bills and be responsible with goals in life to work towards to...

for without u...i wouldn't be such a deep thinker...

for without u... i wouldn't reflect on life...

for without u...i would never feel safe or any form of security

for without u...the world would have been much much more scary-er...

for without u... i would never have found peace with myself

for without u...i would never have understood myself my desires likes n dislikes n the way i am...

as far as i know...as i prepare myself to embark on the next stage of human evaluation and transform myself into a fully fledged adult with a stronger identity...i think its only rite to look back n tank the ppl who helped raise me up...cuz everything tat had happened...everything tat happens and everything tat will come to happen...happens 4 a reason...glad i have found my reasons...

oh n yes i miss her...n will always love and be there 4 her...

to the WORLD:
i will leave my mark on u...T.L.

watch me

rock and wow

n shock and awe...

Life, people, world, time = LIFETIME

2009-11-28T15:59:00.010+08:00

well....welcome to my zone....

1 thing is certain...1 thing is clear...n 1 thing is the truth...

tat nothing in this world is wat it appears to be...

its always more than meets the eye...

everybody wears a mask...the mask in society...

not real a fake...

not true so vague...

when u try to see through, its like going on a date...

with every1 so fake is it a wonder

tat 1 would feel lonely or 1 would be alone...

can u blame them all...NO...cuz each individual in this world, even through we are social creatures, we are all hendonistic...we avoid pain...no matter wat the cost...is like a defence mechanism...brought abt by the hurts of the past, the lack of trust, uncertainty or some other factor(s)

i think its a reaction...from the infinate flow of energy that springs forth from everywhere...was already there...is always there...always flowing n will always be there...whether kinetic or potential...tat resulted from the actions/choices n decisions tat happened in the past...

all tat we feel might not be real

however we act might not be true

all tat we see might not be real

however we think might not be true...

so how do u know

which is which

who is who

and wat is wat...

with a world soo very ambigious...

its hard to trust...

but it is sth tat we must...

for like a spell tat has been cast...

we all dont want to be lonely or alone to the very last...

n if we were so wrong like a song

tat has ended but playing in our minds, so already gone...

it is wiser to trust but more carefully cuz reality can get

very very painful as innocent it may seem...

i don't blame any 1 hiding in their masks...

cuz like u...i have seen life too...

so when would ppl take off our masks?

allow some1 into me u c...and stay true and honest...

just to each other...bring ourselves to stop being an actor...

c we all have roles, son brother friend doctor joker rapper husband father grandfather n so on...but there is a core self tat is who u are which would show in wat u are (on the mask)...no matter an actor the mask has 2 holes...the window to the soul...n tat is wat im really good at observing n picking out...but i cant describe it or word it...yet...

we can do all this...but first we must look inward ourselves b4 we look inward others...

we must think tat we can...

we must trust tat we can....

we must belief tat we can...

we must have faith in ourselves tat we can...

god is not out there...if only u would realise how close to u he really is...

if only u could see...

tat he is closer to u than your jugular veins ( tis is according to the quran btw/fyi )...

if only we could gasp the real meaning...

n if only we would remember forever...

but it is human nature to 4get...so lets see where the world goes at...

2009-11-26T11:43:00.001+08:00

well...welcome to my zone....

on the 24th i went back to sch there to make video2...waz fun

ever had everything gone wrong in just a moment...

ever had everything tat can go wrong really go wrong...

i had tat kinda FUCKING experience way too many times already...

c yesterday in class my friend came to sit beside my other friend's place...i wanted to ask her sth...so i held the chair n intended to shake it to get her attention...but fuck me n my illness, me messed up couldnt judge my surroundings properly...she DIDNT sit yet...so as i pulled on it to SHAKE...it came with my hands ...at tat moment i didnt know my hands waz tensed up too much...so than shit she fell thru ah... :(

fuck i was soo broken down...always calling my friend tat way conditioned me...so now when there is no weight on the chair of course it willl move back rite?...damm...i feel like shit for doing tat...i mean im not the type to lay hands or be physically hurtful ESP towards women...u can go ask my ex...there was tis 1 time i scratched her by accident n than i cried for an hour straight...but i wrote a big SORRY "letter" n she (the 1 who fell) accepted it...even said it made her feel loved n cared for afterwards...

haiz...yesterday is her...wat if tmr is my wife...wat if i do sth tat would hurt them bad...than wat?... my greatest fear is myself...i dont want to be the 1 to break any1 down...ESP women...cuz i've seen them go crazy if tat does happen to them even though it make them abit mature later...i made a promise to DR fong never to play with a women's heart...n i always honor my promises...or at least try not to break them...

sometimes i miss out the most obvious things...but notice the deep shits/secrets...and when i point it out or be right on the dot ppl dont like....n i dont realise tat tat part of tat person is a secret they don't wish to disclose...

as for the obvious things i disappoint ppl by not noticing or assuming be understood...

wats wrong with me......or is it some part of u all cant accept me? which is it?......

universe...

2009-11-24T01:34:00.000+08:00

Friends

i got a lot to say on this topic...but certain things i'll rather not though...

true friends r hard to come by...4 me...true friends are the ppl tat mean alot to me who come to my mind immediately when u say the words "true friends" who are there 4 me when i need them most or when i want sth most...

im the type to keep a few select ppl as close as possible (ACAP...hehe...) rather than have so many ppl whom i dont know or they dont know me or just alot of ppl ard....cuz i think tat would really make u haywire...maybe even lonely idk...

im glad i got ppl to rely on in case anything should happen...n i would fucking do the same 4 my friends...cuz a relationship is ALWAYS 2 ways...some ppl will never get this truth...like honesty is the best policy....is a truth...not knowledge or something u learn..is a value/principle from which NO 1 can run from...

some rules u can break...but some rules u can only break yourself against it...tats the power of the truth...powerful yet so simple...the secrets of this universe...can be found very symbolically in fairytales, nursery rythemes, children books n poems n other songs n things related to children...

we learn n we forget..we learn n we understand...we learn n we apply...psychoanalysing tis kinda things help alot...there are among the secrets...things tat must be done tat ppl will never understand...indeed indeed indeed are the signs for those who reflect...but some ppl will never come to c...4 they are not part of a certain conformity/culture...

there are things even psychology wont be able to explain even in a billion years...those who know these secrets will keep shut n just acknowledge others who also know...but they are all centred around principles n values n nature/enviroment n things tat fall under "how the world works"...like...every beginning has an end...or...wat goes up must come down...or every reaction has an opposite n equal reaction...

tis post is just to share n create awareness tat there is always more than meets the eye...always...so do your things right n everything else will follow cuz is always personal growth b4 vested status...

i still dont have wat it takes yet...so ima keep on going cuz im still sooo young...support me...nono...lets support each other!! hehe...life makes me glorify god...cuz his design is perfect...allhumdulilla...

take my hand n lets do this!!

2009-11-22T15:14:00.003+08:00

its not everyday u see a man like me!
sometimes i wonder if its worth it...day in day out...fighting for my dreams...hanging on n never letting go...sometimes its tiring...but thats the ONLY feeling tat keeps me going...to realise wat u visualise come to light is DAMM exciting...

to dare to dream is 1 thing...to achive it is another...

my passion is 2...music...n ppl...n the 1 thing common in them is...emotions...the drive that drives them...the hope n faith...the spirit of mankind...if i can pen down in a song this very factor tat causes evolution...i'll be able to call myself an artist...the perfect song tat delivers n brings some1 out from the verge of suicide n gives them hope...something to hang on to...something to live for...a goal or ambition...a target or a bearing...a way or direction...till than even if i rap with my blood sweat tears heart n soul...it would not be enough...

from knowledge comes forth power...n with great power comes great responsibility...already struggling to keep personal issues from studies related or friends related stuff...but it is inevitable tat they collide...i'll try my best to deal with it...but i want u...

while i dream i 4get reality
while it seems tat it lasts forever im happy as can be...
but even fairytales have an end...
tats 1 of the way the whole universe works...
but i have a choice to c it thru
wat the end brings is up to me to choose
i want to write my own ending the way i want it to end...
i dont know if i'll rest in peace the end was not wat i want it to be...
god has a plan for all of us...even 4 himself...

theres only 1 thing i can really control in life which is ever so ambiguous...
n tat is myself n my own choices...
4 it is up to me...i sit here with the choice to be free...i want in on the fun!!
i'll do it...i'll somehow achieve my dreams...

to make a choice is 1 thing...another to follow thru is another...GAMBETTE!!

differences in beliefs...

2009-11-21T01:24:00.002+08:00

imagine a street with the green railing tat separates 1 road from the other that goes in opposite ways....tats kinda like how 2 different beliefs are...i wonder wats it like on the other side of the road...i wonder how's it like to be tat person who had walked on the other side and have their own experiences n environment n development n other factors and shit tat made them be n belief in the things they belief in the way they do...

i respect tat...i really do...they'll wonderful...if u can c past your own beliefs, judgements, stereotypes, prejudice n discrimination to just pause just 4 a moment to look at the other side of the road u'll understand...its cool!! people are cool!!

u form your own beliefs from virtually every aspect of your life...in a way your a product of your past...be it 1 second ago or 1 year ago...its really cool cuz u know the difference in the worlds u come from just aint the same...

u respect me

i respect u, we'll fine

but i don't just want to stay there

i would rather u be mine

if u follow my lead 4 i care

i promise u not to hurt u enough to harm u n to make u feel like there's no such a thing as time

and soon u'll realise tat wat is illusionary n wat is reality will be undifferentiated n nowhere

but we may never come together let alone love each other on the same line

instances when we collide exist though they may be rare

I'm still trying to get over u but your always in my mind

im stuck when i look at your eyes but u dont know nothing abt how im feeling, yeah...

2009-11-18T13:37:00.000+08:00

HI~

so far things have been going according to plan in schoolwork...but it takes up ALOT of my time n energy n focus...not only physically but mentality n sometimes emotionally (as some lessons trigger me ALOT) still cant seem to c wat to do 4 GP. but will soon...my whole week is packed with work but somehow i manage to complete them...but i cant seem to find time 4 exercise already...my only comfort now is N.S next year to get back in proper shape...is it just me getting used to the workload or is it tat tis term the workload is lesser but more tricky/challenging...

i want ALL As tis term...really...i want to use n benefit from psychology 4 myself more than any1 else...i want to go deeper n not just hypothesize or speculate like others...i want to think in even more different perspectives and ways deeply...oh n not let other's perspectives influence my own way of thinking...must assert myself correctly n psychologically if not the thinking will become very laymen!!

life is getting faster n the need to deliver is coming along nearer...its do or die time!! i can do tis...no point feeling sad or down or tired or intensive shame...no point trying not to regret in anything tat i do no point giving in to desires that are filled with pain...i just wanna try my best...i just wanna live...I'll DO it...get all tis over n behind me so tat i can focus on exams...

life...

2009-11-14T01:53:00.000+08:00

a few days ago i went to an investiture @ ITE collage east....my friend invited me....end up i had to council him...LOL...get it? council him?

well jokes aside i saw sth new...c usually when u go 4 this kinda events u recall memories or the "deja vu" feeling...the locus of control is inward...i think tats wat is called... i saw other ppl getting tat feeling or memories like literally man...sugoi!!

than the president also near tears sia...expected actually...
i like his beliefs...makes sense...alot of sense

dont know when im gonna blog again cuz i busy with assignments...which some got alot of things to do...haiz...life is made complicated...

i dont feel like i got anything else to lose in my life anymore...i can blame a hundred ppl 4 the way my life has turned out...all the things tat happened the truma the pain the bad times n all...but wats the pt?...
some ppl r never gonna understand...some ppl just dont care anyway...some ppl worse misunderstand u...still trina find my shoe to fit my feet in...trina find somewhere i belong...

my only goal now is to achieve my goals...get As...lose weight (still got hope i tink)...n solve my personal problems...

i wanna survive another year...i made it tis far in life avoiding the numerous pit falls growing up....i want to c tis year thru also...c how...inshaallah...

god...
forgive me if i do wrong 4 it is only U who i can seek forgiveness, salvation n peace in...
i miss u toking back to me...

moments...

2009-11-09T16:49:00.001+08:00

is gonna be a looong post...

there are people in this world who go on to become the top of their fields...n n push on EVEN further to become a class of their own...superstars, actors, doctors, theorists,authors,musicians,performers,artists, religious figures n lots more...ppl who make a difference...

i long to be 1 of em...i wanna make it to the top...even if i dont...i wanna die trying...

to make a difference to some1...in some way...whatever or however small...it may be...

for in that moment i find eternal peace...

for in tat moment time stops....

for in tat moment i know ima good person...

for in tat moment im high, happy n into it...

for in tat moment i feel very much alive...

for in tat moment life becomes worthwhile living...

for in that moment my heart is light...

for in that moment i become 1...1 with the universe...

no sound or sight no feeling no smell no taste...only energy...and the peace n calm tat flows with it...

i tink we all live for tis moments...idk...but i do...like...a moment of unconditional love tat feels like it lasts forever between 2 couples...a moment of flight n freedom...a moment of truth...a moment of change...moments tat feel as though they last forever...moments tat would make u feel tat u dont need food, water or even air...its called self actualisation according to, maslow in humanistic psychology...

but i gotta get n keep my head straight 4 all tat to happpen...on friday aft sch i went to the park to do just tat...but became distracted n started vid. ing stuff...LOL...but than later i did...

finally i can go to gear 5...

watch me rock n wow

n shock n awe...

time to get up n start the work...

for it is our choices...tat show us wat we truely are...far more than our abilities...

the way i am...

2009-11-04T22:59:00.000+08:00

so i was in FB n some1 actually dissed on me...
(don't flare up boys, issue is already resolved alrite)

than i stood my ground n it was steadily escalating...
but than it stopped...n peace was made...

here's the thing...after everything tat had happened i asked myself...
why did i react/respond the way i did?

after much self analysis i realised sth even more clearly...tat all my life i was tot never to back down or give up...in my childhood was my bro n my gangs...in secondary sch it was ncc n aikido...so...being consistently conditioned by these kinda values and raised up like tat...dakara...im like tat now...

it wasn't abt pride or ego...
its abt standing up for yourself and...just self-defence (i don't pick fights)

though i would rather not fight...cuz im the type to avoid conflict very pro-actively...

my sensai taught me sth...I still hear his words "rafi...u got to realise...in a fight...no 1 wins...1 just walks away while the other gets injured...the problem still remains...". He was rite cuz the root of any issue wouldn't be addressed in a fight...

the best way to fight is to not fight at all...but he also taught me not to back off in any fight to enter n blend n use his own energy against him...his words, ESP if i find or come across sth very hard to do always resonates in my mind, "NEVER GIVE UP!!" after a lousy training session 1 rainy night @ the dojo still gets to me...cuz i know is soo god damm true...so i wont...
not now...not ever...for its already in me...part of my personality/identity...

im inconsistent...

2009-11-03T00:33:00.007+08:00

heavy heart mixed with all sorts of things...but after the run light as butterfly...

(LOVE RUNNING, LOVE ADRENALINE!!)

but the issues are still there...
i know now tat no 1 might really care...

but if they do...tank u

n i'll respond back to u...

i have come to realise the seriousness of an issue...

if i dont resolve it i may never come to have a strong core stable I.D. as it would contradict it...

already happenin...

wat i long for is a sweetheart...

i dont ask much cuz im independent thus i meet my own needs...

but when im down when im tired when my hands shake n go numb n sth trigger me enough to kill me,

will whoever she is reach out for me OR
leave @ the sight of the cracked mirror

will she be selfish OR
will she also look as US n consider me too
will she allow me to take the lead and work with me OR

want things her way all the time

will she stay by my side OR
cheat on me / leave for a better guy

will she purposely hurt OR
keep quiet OR will she sit down practically to talk n solve problems maturely

will she share power n control OR
want to be the queen OR a baby
will she blame n judge OR
will she talk with a basis

will she be understanding OR
will she be demanding

such qns show 1 thing for sure...tat such a relationship has no depth or quality...

c if u dont stay true n hide away stuff ultimately u form a roof over your head

as to how far the relationship can actually progress n aso the intimacy...so u sure get bored...
but yes...must have boundaries and limits...or u will lose yourself...
tank god i can see this...

for i had a very different kinda relationship than most teens (tank u n never again EX)...

adult love may be selfish love...but the love that has evolved, hardened, withstood changes n the toil of time ic in the elderly is the most purest n truest form of love...

(as there is no intent behind) like a baby smiling @ u but u dont c y...

such a love is my aim...cuz my family n relatives all the love so very...
ahem*screwed up* ahem...
ESP. my own family...parents not friends in the 1st place to be a couple...not husband n wife let alone be parents...big sis...1st 1 no comments...2nd 1 way tooo controlling...typical indian...
but she very persuasive n sly n cunning...so not a big issue...
brother...hiaz...my younger sis...sigh....

but me gonna be a change agent...

n show the future generations to come as a live example...

tis shit aint abt only me...NTH i do is...
if only u could c how i c...

than u would know...my reality...

assignment ime

2009-10-30T12:17:00.002+08:00

aye yo!

assignments are here (first due date 17 nov)

have no fear
for it keeps u in check
it keeps u in track
because i cant afford to fail in life as well
i'll do well!
but wats the point, without a sweetheart, u might ask
to share my life with a sweetheart, an ultimate task
so to prepare, mature n learn skills, from dawn till dusk
to be able to survive on your own
to be able to fulfil the duty to our parents
to chase after life with the will of a knife
to dare to care, even thru u can get hurt, just bare
dont stop trusting cuz your almost there (just be careful next time)
but hey,
watch my 6
as i get my ticks
life is bittersweet like a lolly u can lick
its almost time now to get back to the tricks
time to focus now so pause the chick flicks...yeah!

sometimes in life...you have to learn to let go
for it is harder n more painful to hold on to the sword...

watch tis video to fully understand...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz-07Dtp-Qw

the lessons of life...

2009-10-28T12:32:00.001+08:00

yesterday a man approached me while i was on the way to sch writing new material (like finally)...he seemed scared n lost n hungry...all too familiar...seemed like he was from china but stayed in malaysia somehow...accent aso seemed like a malaysian...he was drenched in sweat the smell of fear and anxiety coupled with his delivery of speech which was fast and inconsistent...

he approached me asking for directions to backtrack his way back to BOONLAY...imagine...he had walked all the way from there till QWEENSTOWN...crazy!!...he just couldnt calm down...his wallet and his passports were stolen n he had already made a report to the police who told him to get in contact with his relatives here to gat back home...he had come here for dental surgery...BUT...thing is...he didnt know how to get back to his relatives place in boonlay...n i tried to calm him down but couldnt...saw the fight or flight response first hand...so wat i did was to give him all my cash i had in me (he didnt ask la but i gave him) n directed him to the mrt stn...he tanked me n i told him to just get back home safely...

now...relating to the bio socio psycho model...

n the predisposition model...

bio...he was tried n hungry...he reeked of fear...

socio...he had asked for directions only to get repelled-off by some bunch of guys swearing at him thereby becoming more anxious n regressing into safety n security needs thereby triggering his fear response even further affecting his bio n psycho

psycho...scared, lost, anxious...with no passport money ezlink card in another country with no 1 to turn to n no phone in hand...already tired hungry...the adrenaline would wear him down faster serving only to temporarily give him energy thereby affecting his bio...

can tell he wasn't prepared for uncertainty...his enviroment he came form must have been more stable or he wouldnt have freaked out like tat...he kept looking ard restlessly never making eye contact for long...his development?

finally his conditioning...unlike Singaporean guys who go thru NS facing aversive stimuli he was prety much different in a sense tat he just couldnt calm down or even function in a more normal way(trust me...im weird so i know wat normal is)...he can never be able to survive in a fight or in any high risk pressuring activity at his present state of mind...

y am i doing tis?

he reminded me (ok la, trigger me la)...of how i used to be when i was growing up in primary sch...alone...in a corner reading books in the lib. or playing n runnin ard like a manic without a brain acting on pure emotions...

also...the ppl who approach me for help mostly would be like the guy mentioned above...

lost...depressed...

no bearings...or just dont know wat to do...

i realise in some ways im still a kid...but now i know...i shall keep my hands to myself

(control myself)...not talk without thinking...and behave if i can help it...wat to do...too many girls ard me tat i start to disturb n seek attention...LOL...so diff. my behaviour from when i hang out n just chill with guys...hmm...

to see as u see...

to feel as u feel...

to think as u think...

to predict how u would act to be...
to love u in ways which u would never know...
to help u even b4 u become more worse off...

wat an amazing thing to do...

help...when u expect nth in return (cuz your perception is not focused on anything so..) u would c n get the best possible benefit catered only to u...which would make u more mature...a lesson learned thru the inevitable colliding of fate...wat a nice life im blessed with...allhamduilla...life is bitter-sweet!!

seek to understand rather than be understood

life will go on...

2009-10-25T23:57:00.002+08:00

got 3 out of 4 of my exam results...oni 1 A...rest Bs...damm... :(
i soo damm depressed tat i never get all As...TIS SUCX...
damm me for narrowing down so specifically on wat would make me happy...

for no 1 would care abt my future...

for no 1 would know the pain of being broke all the time...

for no 1 would realise the reality of my situation...

for no 1 would stay n would move on with another guy whose better than me...

for no 1 would pause even for a moment to look at a street kid

lying beneath the lonely night under the bright street lights

for no 1 would bother or care enough
for no 1 would accept another failure in the family

for no 1 would understand the present cuz they dont understand the past of me

for no 1 would try to help some1 being wasted away

for no 1 would be the 1 to encourage and support n be there thru the ups n downs

for no 1 would care without u being resourceful

for no 1 would want to be with a failure...

dakara......i cannot afford mistakes like tis...i dont want to be tis sad ever again...enough already...cuz i know...tat i also matter...i wont go down without a fight...i'll try again...for it is easier to do so than sit ard all cut off n depressed...

BANKAI!!

my endlessness of love

2009-10-21T12:37:00.000+08:00

if u were with me...
i would be there for u forever more
if u were with me...
i would care for u every single day more than the light tat emits from the sun
if u were with me...
i would help u go through life's difficulties, with u, together
if u were with me...
i would make sure your safe to the very last breath tat i take
if u were with me...
i would treasure n cherish u n never take u for granted
if u were with me...
i wouldn't be able to promise u not to hurt u (as, in a relationship there would be ups n downs)
but i would promise u never to hurt u enough to harm u(thereby reducing the downs to an extent)
u know my style...
if u were with me...
i would handle u, when u scream at me,with patience n let u release all your pent up emotions,
in hope tat u will feel better after...
if u were with me...
i would understand u n your fears and insecurities even before u tell it/show it out and help u deal with it with very clear thinking (whoever said it takes a women to understand a women's must be really blur..lol..)
if u were with me...i would make u see, a world of beauty tat calms the heart n heals the soul
if u were with me...
i would treat your heart n its feelings like the very flesh n blood of my own body
with respect care and in esteem
if u were with me...
i would never become possesive or controlling unless u wish for it
for i believe, trust and have faith in myself
and believe to only control myself...

but u can ask me wats in it for u?
all i ask is for u to
1) never leave me and
2) never cheat on me
for if u break tis 2 rules i would never look back at u
and it would tear me deeply n traumatise me once more so...

but if only u can see
the possibilities if u were with me...
for u wont be
as long as u are searching wondering pondering and thinking of wat u want
while u are confusing me with others
missing out wats in front of u...of wat is so obvious...

choronicals of dwali...

2009-10-20T01:39:00.003+08:00

okokok...

time to blog..

all the way had deepavali outings

saturday...

went to raj hse for deepavali lunch n poovanesh hse for dinner

~~raj house~~

eat kuey...FRIED CHICKEN with rice and chicken curry with veg....nice nice...

than we caught up with each other on our lives:wat he doing wat i doing

saw his DSLR camera and his new obsession with aviation photography

than kinda talk abt girls and our aspirations on it...

finally got some things happenin which i hoped for him!!

all the best raj GAMBATTE!!

~~poo house~~

eat kuey...FRIED CHICKEN with rice and prawn sambal n mutton diced...nice nice

saw her cousin sanjay...normal guy...but got prob. with women...seriously which guy hasn't?...damm

okok back here...saw her dad n mom n house and spirtual state...quite good...analyse...lol

now i understand her better...saw her cousins...so young but soo pretty...

small world...cuz i saw my friends brother who is poo's brother's friend aso visit...cool ah?next day actually set to go his house...LOL...had alot of fun with tis small gal whose poova's cousin got to know more abt poova n her bro's relationship and other stuff...played with fire crackers...

~ Poovanesh house ~

~~sunday~~

crash at tualsi's house from 3 all the way to 11++...

eat kuey FRIED CHICKEN with rice prawn sambal n sardine balls...nice nice...

caught up with her on life...her art improve like siao sia...turn pro ready...gpa...4...

she decor the hse damm nicx!...played game @ Xbox360 fifa (with her bro n his friends) left for dead n lost conditions!!...was soo damm fun...small world...saw my primary sch friend GV who wow! had lost alot of weight and looked good even...noe i aso want to lose weight even more...hehe saw reshmi...LOL...my sis i n tulasi disturb her like siao no logic like tat...wat a nice person she is...good good...she did chapatti...indian bread...was nice...seriously...than than...she teach tulasi...n tulasi dropped it on floor after she made!!haha they ask me abt "guy psychology"...told them stuff tat made them tink...oh n glad her bro back with his X after 4 years of separation..good good!!

~ Tulasi's house ~

~ her stuff tiger ~

~~monday~~

eat kuey n FRIED CHICKEN with rice and chicken curry...nice nice...

after sch went to parames house...crazy poova scared of cat which i like n played with ALOT...was so clean n toilet trained...saw her mom but not dad...analyse...mom damm loving person sia...lucky her...she and sis always fight...normal...they very close...small world poova's friend knew me study at same tamil class at the center in SKSS...cool ah?...Michelle wear sari...look nice!!...had fun watchin MTV n talking and joking ard...drank alot!!...hot day b...now damm tired n lethagic now...enjoy pics taken of houses i went...

~ sofa with stuff toys ~

~ sofa with stuff toys n her cat!! ~

~again stuffed stuff~

~michelle with sari! nicz ah?!!~

next is Xmas n CNY...

To success!!

2009-10-16T10:57:00.003+08:00

life may become hard
but im harder
my dreams may be broken
but im unbreakable
i might die early
but i'll go down shiny n pearly
(than again...every1 dies wat...so...no issue here)
friends may leave me
but i have friends who are true, see?
i might not get wat i want
but i wont stop...i just cant
sometimes things may not be tat fun
but tat only means its yet to be begun
so i say hi to life and joy
join me
keep up with me
n let me show u a world of beauty...hehe...

Women want men to be gentle on their bodies
Men want women to be gentle on their hearts

THE ROAD TOWARDS SELF-ACCEPTANCE

2009-10-14T22:27:00.004+08:00

so, heres the story...
I went to dental app. yesterday...tis is how it went...
as my lower jaw is supposedly smaller than normal n my upper jaw is longer than normal i needed braces + surgery to correct it...
there would risk as there would be bleeding in it n 1 in 4 patients would lose sensation to their lower half of their face permanently.

Than to add on there might be bleeding involved during the putting on of braces n subsequent follow-ups

but as i had mild MVP (mitral value prolapse) i needed to be on antibiotics course whenever i need to go for dental treatments as because of the bleeding which would have bacteria tat would eventually go into the system via the stomach.

It would eventually go in the bloodstream n can get stuck in the heart at the flap where it is lose(research wat MVP is u'll understand...n y'all will also understand i have higher chances to kenna sudden death)...as the effects of antibiotics would go down becuz of the resistance tat would be developed by the bacteria it would be only a matter of time before it gets down to the heart...so the dentist didn't recommend it as it was too riskly...and aso i can tell n feel wat would happen if i walk down tat path...

so i dropped the idea of it all cuz by firstly intuition and also I who have seen ppl die suddenly, ppl who commit suicide in front of me (several times), being in near death situations more than 20 times (its a miracle tat im alive actually...hehe...) seeing friends get beaten near to death by gang fights landing themselves in ICU, seeing friends get blown away by the streets and fail in life and being a martial artist who have been taught and conditioned to never give up till the black lady death takes my life away n to keep on defending with an unshakable will a fire the desire to live i would never put myself at risk...yes i wanna look good...but no i wont die to attain it...my life is far more precious...only right to give away would be for the 1 love i so dearly keep on fighting to get...i know the value of life n how fragile we n our relationships all really are...

so now.....after the grief...im gonna choose to deal with it...for life...to work around it n the bad first impressions and all other negative shit as a result of me n aso my teeth being tis way...the road to self-acceptance has begun...so y'all please support me instead of doing so otherwise...oh n do u know the next level of psycho-analysis is to psychoanalyse a person's good points instead of bad 1s??? hehe...

begging for tis dream to come true...

2009-10-12T22:55:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wish i never knew u...

sometimes im soo DAMM glad tat i met u...

something tells me your perfect for me...

i hold u dear

u have no idea....yeah

do i even stand a chance to let there be a world of possibilities between us
wat do i do...your a friend, i believe is true...

sometimes i feel im betraying u n our friendship...

but i cant help it + your my type too...

its soo easy to look at a person's faults and errors and all

but harder to look on their brighter side

like taking life on its lighter side

c, everybody has thier own share of problems

but at least unlike others i dare to take responsibility and accountability

and make up for the mistakes i commit even though

sometimes standing beneath the wet gloomy thunderstorm

dripping rain with cold shaking hands things can get lonely

but god is always there for me...

in the end...watever happens...promise me...to remember me...

watever will i do?

for my pain is real

proves my love for u is true......

please don't start to walk away now...

Burn...

2009-10-11T20:11:00.004+08:00

O thee flame in my heart...i ask of thee to...

Burn...

the will to will
Burn...

the will to live

Burn...

the will to survive

Burn...

the will to succeed

Burn...

the hunger for knowledge

Burn...

the power to make a difference, however small it may be

Burn...

the will for higher skill

Burn...

the desire to reach the next stage of evolution

Burn...

the will to be prepared

Burn...

the will to love

Burn...

the will to protect
Burn...

the passion u have towards people
Burn...

the will to shape your own destiny
Burn...

stronger...brighter...hotter

Above all...Burn...the will to do more good for the sake of god

O Sensai once said,

"Fill your heart with heat and light"

heat being knowledge and light being compassion...

gear on!!

2009-10-10T16:50:00.002+08:00

yo!

past few days didn't really do much cept watch anime n movies n excersice...

thank god sch. reopening soon on Monday...

i damm looking forward to it...

exams r over so long ago but i still cant seem to really breathe a sigh of relief let alone celebrate...cuz i wan know the results...im very result orientated when it comes to exams cuz theres alot at stake...if i don't get As i sure would sink into depression...seriously!!

oh gonna cut hair n do sth to it n buy new bag cuz old 1 die-ed...

oh n need to setup study table for the new semester!!

finally after waiting nearly coming 3 years my braces can be done

the app. is on coming tuesday...tis is such a big deal for me as i've been deeply affected by tis issue by the systemic perspective for soo many years now...it really affectED me...till i started tis course but now im managing myself better...n i feel good abt myself and everything tats happening tis year...for the first time in years i've been more happy than sad or neutral...im having fun!!

goals

something to ground on

something to focus on

something to hope for

something to go for as your motivated by tat want/need

something to live for

something to measure yourself against

something tat would make life fun n fear undone

something to make u feel damm orgasmic when u achieve it
something to use to metamorphosize n go to the next level of evolution

something every1 must have...

oh god i miss u n your hot cherry sweet smile...

hell of a good day!!

2009-10-07T23:00:00.000+08:00

hey hey hey...hi!!

today i went out to shop at bugis n qweensway to buy stuff again...i found out tat u go bugis u must go on weekdays...cuz the pricing is diff. -.-" and waaaay cheaper...bought good stuff for good prices...

{repression}

now tat day when i go out with HL there was tis malay mena girl at 12 at nite approach us...kinda cute but can feel tat she got prob. ah...she poor kawaii thing didnt have coins to go back home...or maybe she starting work?! so we gave her some change n she tank n left...

{repression}

alot ppl starting to ask me how to write songs and composing music to write songs to...FUN!!! tadatatatataaaa IM LOVING IT!!!

I miss skating...tmr than...hehe!!

ok ok time to marathon last friends...eh?...stop at episode wat ah???

quote

"only in the darkest of times will mankind achieve greatness..."

life is worth living

2009-10-06T16:33:00.001+08:00

yesterday...

slack whole day watch anime inuyasha....than went excercise...really didnt feel like pushing myself n was more like stopping to smell the sweet nectar scent of flowers...love to jogg!!!! n c the world past by...but best part came aft the run...

it's the time of the year when diff. kinda migratory birds from as far as south America would pit stop in s'pore at the ponggol river; at the park i always like to visit to calm down cuz the environment is as such...n i saw the first few batches coming aready...best part!! best part!!...i took pic of 2 of em like (love birds sia) at less than 50cm away...(don't know how come tat happened...maybe the vibes i give off ) like u can reach out to touch!! was wonderfull!! n saw em communicating to each other n eating food...worm n insects...but the gesture n bond those 2 shared which i saw up close n personal was reaaaaally AWESOME AH!!

I guess i was and am and will be always surrounded by a world of beauty...cuz tats just part of me being me... will ALWAYS be nature lover till nature takes over my body n make me 1 with it...hehe...here the pics...

{perched on the tree}

{super long tail feathers}

{nicest shot of all}

day to rmb...

2009-10-04T17:13:00.000+08:00

Yesterday...

went to qweenstown shopping centre to check stuff out aft going back sch 4 a while...had a look at good things to buy...but didnt...i very picky ah...than cam back home n quickly got into gear to excersise...

(weird but funny...doll in display)

i knew it would rain cuz the smell N temp. drop N gloomy sky N the icy wind...but i brought my phone along but didnt bring anything to stop it getting wet in case it rains...guess wat?...it rained!!! so i quickly got to shelter wiped my phone...n found plastic bag to cover it cuz i wanted to continue as...i want to ah...got back home dripping wet from head to toe in rain n sweat...

so than aft tat went for ops SSS...play with fire till siao!!...

cuz of lantern festival me friend H.L milk I n KUEY got together to play fire crackers sparklers n poppers n boom bags...been sooo long since i saw kuey...will always walk with him home as it was on my way...he looked like he lost weight...but best of all...he was happy in his new sch n friends...tats enough for 4 me...

so so...aft we met at buangkok ate sth light n went his house to c movie hotshots 1...was damm funny...than we played with the firey stuff at sculpture park...tis year wasnt much ppl cuz it rained...but still the whole area was lit up with familys friends familiar faces(saw wen kai ESP. ...still the same as ever) ;is a small world i guess; and a cleaver uncle selling all kinds of stuff to play with in a BIG box...oh we video the stuff we did...will post here soon...can c how wild i got in it...LOL

i love to go wild...as in have fun with ppl i know n enjoy life without having to think abt its harsh realities...cuz if not not healthy for the mind body n soul...must find g.f whose very happy-go-lucky and dreamy type sia... hehe...idk...here pics...

("tomahawk" n "fire-n-forget" missiles H.L made)

(my crazy idea...produced lots of fire

n heat n burned the floor n melted the canister completely...)

(H.L with the burned still hot "tomahawk" )

(soo much stuff to burn...btw...haven finish)

(mine the floor wtih boombags c who steps on it!!)

(me n H.L...i look good!!)

(me with lighter n the "fire-n-forget" missile)

just like old times...

the 3 things...

2009-10-03T00:04:00.001+08:00

Today went out bugis to c stuff to buy...than went off to excercise but couldnt cuz i haven recovered from the other day yet...still got lots things to buy...n must do sth abt my face...

getting worse!! aaaaaaa!!!

possessiveness

jealousy

controlling

all is the result of fear at the core...

so if a guy is controlling in an unhealthy or wrong way...

he's a chicken!!!

But hold up with the labelling for a moment...
how do guys deal with tis in a healthy way?
if he dont know wat would u do to teach him?

tis might be a draft answer...is simple actually...talk your fear out!!!
like...if its me i'll be like...not happy, say ah?! im sure we can work sth out so tat we can become more emotionally closer n understand each other better...wont take long anyway...

esp. when u get deep into a relationship...BOTH the couple will have fear when u go deep...like hello, RELATIONSHIP...just the word itself tells more than 1 involved...wat if both the ppl had the same fear?...imagine, if u talk it out heart to heart n than how would u feel after tat??? feel better rite?...more closer rite?...cool rite?

another thing...we guys thought to "be a man!!" tat notion n all the bravodavo in itself says sth like "u dont fear cuz u strong" or sth...tats bullshit!! I notice the systemic perspective affects guys tis way...so they dont open up n say but do all kinds of other shit...cuz NOW aft tis influence em they scared they "lose their manhood" or sth...your manhood is safe in-between your legs...have more faith in yourselves guys...

every human being got fear...but to work on tat fear is the more impt thing...is wat really matters...and don't thing guys don't get scared...all of us get scared shit n start thinking too much...its how we dont allow it to takeover us n handle tat emotion tat defines us diff. from the next guy...

next post on fighting conflict fairly n facts on love in psychology i found in net...oh im glad me mom n dad back to proper talking terms aft soooooo long (2 years)...tank u allah (god)!!!

press on to press the crease to be free n released

2009-10-02T01:18:00.001+08:00

yesterday last exam...WOOHOO...was ok...

went to dinner with the ladies at changi airport at popeyes

(so damm hungry nearly became grumpy sia)...

than talked abt stuff...was fun...

i didn't really know that women can actually die when they have sex in worse case scenarios...tats damm sad ah!!!...like really really...for reasons alot so......hope all u ladies out there take care...esp the 1s in the pic above...oh n make love with a true man...not with a boy or a beast...

tat aside operation metamorphosis has begun...i find that i am in a way...very fake...cuz how i feel good n loving on the inside but doesn't reflect on the outside...i realise im a walking piece of johari window...now ic better on my identity issue...cuz i negligent on meself...not anymore...so i wanna lose weight cuz tis not how i rmb my body be like{where's your six pack dei, sergent? (o_0)"} and shall do sth abt my hair...become more me...

i realise amidst the toil of life faced by mankind 1 thing i do everyday is to not give up...1 thing i ask for every time is forgiveness...i wont give up...i find it harder to give up...tats wat makes me more me n trustworthy...actually...tats wat makes ppl call me crazy or psycho n shit...tats the core reason...cuz i strongly believe in will...n besides when true friends are there to help each other...the fun begins!!!

okok tis cows popped up today outside c.p. take a look

and takecare whoever u may be...cuz in tis world...

we r all fragile...so please...takecare...

another day another say

2009-09-30T16:42:00.005+08:00

Yo!!!

yesterday had 3rd last exam...

it was 1 of those days i guess...

with ppl studding wrong shit (including me)

getting earpiece entangled in bike

suddenly seeing malay lady intimate with Chinese guy..wearing headdress...

Indian guy with Chinese girl making out in the car...trigger me sia...n stuff...

observing ppl say shit i know im not cuz is u n not me...

was a rollercoster day 4 me...

but was all better when i poured my heart out into yet another song...than met H.L milk...

HAD A FREAKING GOOD TIME!!

caught up with each others live and i told him lots of stuff which i felt he understood how i felt so...

we had dinner and we toked some more and off we went to hang out from place to place...

nearly became devil's night TWICE!!

wanted to go vivo till late late but he had work so didnt

than met abid n zailan...but they were already going home...

i LOVE to hang out with guys who know how to have a good time and just chill...

than H.L flashed tis pic...

it reminded me of 1 of the craziest shits i did in sec sch...

i guess once a bad boi...always a bad boi...hehe...

went back home late after havin a few drinks to cool down....

and couldnt sleep so saw tis movie...

The Nail: The Story of Joey Nardone

was so freakin nice man...A MUST-WATCH

unlike sick movies like: ~~(500) Days of Summer~~

is abt the relationship of a boxer n a kid and

the boxer's past n the kid's future...very heart wrenching...

very nice...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

okok time to keep my promise...abt my last post abt soul-mates...

*ahem*

I,MOHD RAFI,

hereby give credit to,

SITI NUR SABRINA

for the insight abt soul-mates..

she's like the most interesing person ever!

AND...tank u for the honest open talks, your interesting perspectives,your concern thru insomic
nights, your crazy jokes, your advices, n more...

i always appreciate them...
like the only photo of u i have of u on top...hehe...

oh n... "watever rafi" rite? *winks*

its ok man...dont fear...im here...

2009-09-28T23:23:00.001+08:00

me n only me against the world...

who would wanna be my partner in crime?

who willl be real and not a passing shadow?

cuz today...im starting to get used to it....

they say u have to feel it to believe it...

it feels like like an empty room with only my echo, rapping freestyle

n is there such a thing as a soulmate?

or is it a false hope?

or sth u have to work for?

(like from friend to boyfriend to lover to fiance to husband to soulmate...)

or is it really true?

but how would u know wats meant to be?

is there concrete guaranteed proof?

is it even logical to think tis way?

but wat if the most logical thing to do is to think with your guts?

would u rather take the next step?

or give em sth to hate u abt so tat they can stay in thier comfort zone?

if so, than wat abt u?

wait...how come we guys would have to be the 1 to do it?

wat if a guy is too broken up inside...

wat if he dont have hope to try anymore...than wat?

so wat are u gonna choose to do?

how are u gonna go abt doing it?

amist so many qns and hesitations....

1 thing becomes more prevalent...fear...

fear?
or

fare?

take the risk
or miss the bliss...

do or dont...theres no try....so now wat....
denial? ignorance is bliss?
than 1 day it'll all come crashing down, down tat path

run? fly away?
but the starting point and ending point lies in the same point...

i can usually see where i'll end up when i make a choice...

i know wat i have to do...

courage needs to be engaged...as always...

like i said...
me n only me against the world....
with the help of god of course...hopefully...

2009-09-24T23:00:00.002+08:00

today had another exam...~~2 down~~ 2 to go!

was ok...check tis out...

"And Among His Signs is that He has created for you, from yourselves, mates, that you may incline

towards them and find tranquility in them and He has engendered love and compassion between you.

Surely in this are signs for people who reflect"

(30 : 21 The Romans, Surat Ar-Rum )

love...

wat are the roles of the guy?

wat are the roles of the women?

love...

how does 1 meet the needs of the other

how does 1 gets sth in return

to a point where neither can live while the other is not there

surprisingly...the answer is tat u just need to ask...simple...

n the truth is always simple...so please dont miss the point

ladies

how would u bring yourself to give yourself up to another man to be dependent on him to porvide in his palms the power to hurt u while trusting him not to but to protect n guard u n to satisfy u n be there for u while u don't lose your sense of independence and identity while u perform your role

a man who doesn't guard his eyes and his character

and proves himself cannot be depended upon in all

kinda ways is still a boy...

like tat the i think the fellow :

ego need to develop more...

id need to suppress more...

n superego be more humanity

guys

how would u trust her not to transgress her limits, to be able to support u, encourage u, takecare of u, n give solid advice when u re confused and satisfy your deepest desires while u perform your role

indeed the whole world and its beauty is to be enjoyed

but the best indulgence would a pious women

will post up some interesting facts
abt love after exams i found in psychology

ouh my Good day!!

2009-09-22T23:46:00.001+08:00

Today had exam...was ok ar...i always say tat no matter i find it difficult or easy...just in case i expect too much or too little...i rmb the feeling of looking at the results slip 4 my last exams (all A's) and going HYPER N PUMPED N RUNNIN ARD THE HSE DOING ROLLS!!!!!... waz sooo happy tat day...seriously! anyway 1 down 3 to go...thursday got another exam...c how it goes...

tokin abt pumped...i miss excercise...new target...lose 15 kg b4 1 jan 2010...watch my 6...totally miss the rush n high...like the feeling u get just b4 u gonna fuck or sth...haiz....

tat waz just a metaphor btw...

after exams slacked ard abit tok cock than went to eat...ended up i disclose a short version of my past to the loveable n kawaii ladies...got learn alot ready...abt womens perspectives...

just hope i didn't tok too much...*prays*...

cant wait to finish exams...today was a good day...

a good day to rmb

a good day to treasure

a good day to cherish

a good day...

oh n to the idiot who got himself in shit with 1 of the most notorious ss ard...SERVE U RIGHT!!!...like i said "kalau nak step...step!...tapi dont step too much!!!" dont get yourself into an irreversible position...n sorry i cant help u...im different now...ao ahead, get blown away by the streets...choice is yours....

oh n n n...U...was wondering how much i mattered to u...

guess i dont matter to u at all huh?

zen dan da na...(t.b.)

2009-09-16T18:25:00.000+08:00

today is a good day...

today is the day i let her go

today is the day i experience deep pain

today is the day i wished i said those words cuz i know I'll be turn out

ok even if i got rejected instead of fragile me trina be unbreakable

today is the day i let go

today is the day i let the tears flow

today is the day,might be a day too late

today is the day i accept u can be taken away by

others b4 i can stand

today is the day i feel numb

today is the day i finally understand the phrases i go thru & get over her

today is the day i set u free

today is the day i put your happiness first again

today is the day i realize i like u very very much

today is the day im glad i met u

today is the day im glad i treasured & cherished all the times

we spent together even though they were short

today is the day i don't feel alone anymore cuz i know i have true friends

today is the day today is the day im ready to die

today is the day i understand why i just wont give up & keep on going

today is the day i grew up & matured just a bit more

today...is a good day... :)

1 life

1 shot

1 god

your just...too good to give up on...

2009-09-13T02:41:00.005+08:00

It is our choices...that show what we truly are,
far more than our abilities..

my exams in abt a week...im trina study the best i can...controlling my inner demons..my self defeating behaviors...my attractions my distractions...just abt everything...

wat more can i possibly lose...wat more can i sacrifice...wat more???...im not a rich kid or some1 with extraordinary talent...im just silly goofy me trina survive in tis world...i know i have friends...true friends to support me the way i support them...n a family...lets just leave it at tat tokin abt family...

but...

if i fail...if i tried my best n just could'nt make the cut...if i poured my heart n soul and effort and energy and blood and sweat and tears...n come out without no results...would u all still be there 4 me?

i know u all would...im just being insecure...hehe...but the stage is set...ima become a psychologist or die trying to....its my story to tell...so the end is up to me...its my song...i have to complete it...

we only really speed towards death from the nano-second we were born...so y dont we do wat really matters in life...do wat really matters to us...instead of getting caught up with shit tat just doesnt concern us...either u make it...or u dont...but u know wats beautiful...your never alone...even if u think u are...the signs r clear tat god is here...so my cause n resolve are clear n involved...watch me never give up...4 is the only real thing i knoe i can do...just to be able to be there 4......me...

1 life
1 shot
1 god

me n u???

2009-09-10T15:57:00.002+08:00

the oak tree stands...

with tears of joy
on its fragile leafs
reared by the sky

here i sit under your shades...
u remind me, of me
i wonder why

maybe its becuz i have stood, the test of time
and have seen, the signs of all my crimes

the heart will heal not in a single bound
but might, by the bond
of u and me
together n free
even from each other,see?

a world of beauty
is the remedy, of a broken heart
to find peace
so, don't run away please

let time take its rightful course
confront the source
just press pause

u and me
might be meant to be

under the shades
with cool breezes which dances slowly
tis place of me & u only

so why don't we
kiss and make up
talk things out and work it out
why go thru the pain of sorrow and break up

your most beautiful when your asleep
on the rhythmic pulse of my heartbeat
tat flows thru u, like a lullaby u keep
my only impulse now
is to kiss u on the forehead and say "wow..."
treasure u, not take u for granted and cherish u

no matter the personal issues
the pain n the tissues
im still 1 helluva guy
watch me rock and awe
and shock and wow
and make u wonder: is he even for real now?

the oak tree stands...still strong...
take a look at me properly...
b4 u decide to be gone...

2009-09-03T19:56:00.000+08:00

kenna trigger very super badly so im not gonna blog...off to journal....

2009-09-03T02:11:00.004+08:00

ok...lets start with sth good and happy...had an outing with raj n jannat....was like he best remedy from work ah...seriously...we went 2 breakfast 2gether....and our dear sis jannat did so many funny things tat i just couldnt stop laughing...esp AFTER i breakfast she made me laugh till i NEARLY vomit sia...tats not all...4 the first time in my life...i saw her eat waaayyy more than me...like how wei tin ate 2day...is it me having a change of eating habits and the way tat i've been feeling lately or is it them i dont know...than 2day had another outing with wei tin n gang...waz quite relaxed although the place i went to kinda triggered me...was fun....eating 2gether n taking pics...i not really photogenic sia...oh well...im still 1 hella of a guy!!!...i want to go out with H.L milk next...like every time he call me out i cant make it sia...the both outings aso cram sia...into my timetable...

from my last post,
wat have i already learned....
to mediate and pray...
1st is center holding...
2nd is colour technique (alpha level)...
3rd is salawat...
4th stomach
and lastly ring n thumb stance

others
RUNNING...tank u god 4 my limbs...
WRITING...tank u 4 the pen n paper...
FREESTYLING...still bad at it...
LISTENIN TO SONGS AND SINGING ALONG!!! (ASO VERY HELPFUL)

so tis is how i plan to work on myself...by applying and seeing how it goes...

character.
i finally get it...i c it...i c the point in n of it... thank u god 4 showing tis to me...back when i waz very notorious i came across tis banner in sec sch tat quote sth like, a man's greatest tresure is his character.alwayz being a 5 old kid who could'nt help but keep asking "why???" i asked...now ic...i choose to believe in tat saying tat time...and it became like a lighthouse tat offers sight when the seas are rough with shallow waters hiding the jagged rocks n them boulders...ic...in another perspective...just how i didnt end up like others who were eventually blown away...

"The only thing that walks back from the tomb with the mourners

and refuses to be buried is the character of a man. What a man is

survives him. It can't be buried." J.R. Miller

i aso read in the quran that only the people with the highest standards of character will be able to reach the 7th heaven...and it makes sense...all the ethics classes and wat all religions preach fundamentally...character...i gonna work on mine...promise!

ok sth triggered me very very badly n past few dayz getting worse...so here goes...

wat i am is wat the hell i am.i really hate others trina impose or influence their views on me...the whole world including things and people and ideas (systemic perspective) has its own values, identity n culture...im, in all honesty hate ppl telling me wat to do or do tis kinda shit on me...i may be blur...but not dumb enough to not know who i am...i've been working o myself since the course started n have changed alot...so i know better now who i am...listen...

i just dont wanna get hurt so badly any more...i dont wanna go back to thoughts of suicide and extreme feelings of depression...i just dont wanna have to go back to tat thinking tat:no matter wat i do...no matter wat i try or say or put my life, soul, heart, sweat n tears...is not gonna work or nth will change or it will be all in vain...is tat too much to ask?

i just wanna live a quiet and peaceful life filled with love...i dont wanna die on the inside again...i dont want to become a zombie wallowing in his own self pity and sorrow and misery...so please WORLD...leave me be...let me, let be...is tiring enough already to go thru the day with shaking hands tat tells me "your body needs rest" yeah...i got fear of my own fitness...so now i already kenna shake ready...don't take advantage of me when im vulnerable...like i said i'm afraid of myself...

control n power
the only thing i REALLY want to control...is myself...
among the things tat triggers me...aso tis show last friend...i didnt have an identity in my previous relationships...end up...becuz i actually a very loving person inside they always control me or make me do shit...wats in it for me?...silence lingers...so i died...again n again...than she leaves...aft all tat i done 4 her...bullshit...without a reason whatsoever...than u came back...soon after...than i felt u...cuz u were going back to your old ways...than i changed...like forever...

i wish i was not like tis...so helpless to do anything abt shit even though i can see the future and where the "now" would flow to...i c a world filled with bliss and beauty...but also a world filled with tis...if i ever die tmr...i dare say i have lived long enough to experience life...in a world tats so unfair...at least i can choose to care...even though it can be a double edged knife...oh well...better than being a jerk a joker is...but im not a joker...oni part of me is...im much more complex than tat..

competition...
ppl dont climb mount everest or high buildings to conquer the land...but they do it to conquer themselves...i learnt tis putting myself in doing soo much shit...tats the truth...simple huh?

The only real enemy...is yourself...

honesty...sincerity...sth tat i learnt tat i would never forget...okok...no more...seriously...i'll stop here...cannot ready...

2009-08-29T18:09:00.001+08:00

http://news.sg.msn.com/article.aspx?cp-documentid=3553853
an interesting story...tats all i'll say...is sad in a way...

yayayayayayayayayayaya

ok im gonna blog abt sth VERY serious...

family had a very big fight just afew dayz back...again...mostly between my bro n dad...wat did i do?...i just studied/analysed/obsevered...like automatic ready sia...but here is some very serious...least to me...shit i found out...

see MOM n DAD married over 32 years...there were court cases and extreme tensions always existing between em...in short...BOTH dont knoe how to resolve diff. and manage emotion...so...

MOM N DAD dont knoe =
BIG sis dont knoe=
BIG bro dont knoe=
MEEEE dont knoe=
sis dont knoe=
niece dont knoeee...

wat exactly i dont know?

1. emotions and its management and appropriate application
2. love between 2 ppl...as i never see mom or dad F.A.S.T love 4 each other...
3. mom?
4. dad?

solution?

for 1. i lucky to be the black sheep of the family...actually a black sheep doesnt exsist...we are ALL very diff. from each other...but...cuz i attend aikido,ncc n zikir classes (prayer an meditation classes) growing up i bit better off...in psychology i learnt tis theory of mayer and salovey on Emotional intelligence (EI)...tat now allows me to understand myself better...im gonna work on tis so i dont continue tis F@#ked up vicious cycle and be the 1 to BREAK it...i realise i have the necessary tools already from wat i have ALREADY LEARNT...now to just apply and metamorphosize...

for 2...i learnt in psycholgy tat every1 has a diff. definition of love among other stuff which i lazy to write...so simple...i just apply psychology again to my broken life...

for 3 n 4....dad replaced by bro...mom?...hehe my aunty...so really had no issue here as i still received the love in some way...no wonder was not really a big deal...note to self : be careful when u get a girlfriend...

im not blaming or am angry with my parents cuz in the first place...they dont know how to be a couple let alone parents...but the very interesting thing is tat...watever happens...they still r 2gether...4 32 years...just not in toking terms...still...2gether...i learnt that MOST asian parents didnt learn to be parents...never attended parenting courses or learnt to parent...imagine u have siblings to takecare of...tats the closest u'll come close to being a parent...STILL...there is a diff. between being a parent taking care of kids in all aspects and being an older chlid taking care of the siblings...so moral of the story....when u get married...do your research, attend courses/workshops and update n upgrade yourself with the proper knowledge...your kids should not have to go thru the shit u do coming back home everyday aft sch...

hiaz...soo many probs...so little time left...wonder if i ever be ok...i will....tats me!

lastly...GAMBATTE RAFI...GAMBATTE NINA!!!

2009-08-28T00:19:00.003+08:00

okokokokokokok...

see i ALWAYS talk abt work these dayz...
lets drop the beat for a moment...
let me talk abt myself...

my name according to my IC is
MOHAMED RAFI BIN ABDUL JAMEEL...im 18 tis year...

i love:

to run
to play basketball
to watch movieees
to watch animeeee
to freestyle(i still damm bad at it thru)!!!
to write poems, riddles, songs, stories
to train...
to mediatate...but nowadayz havent :(...now ic lately why i've been losing my center...damm
to play the ocarina..i need to get a new 1 cuz i broke mine :(
to play GAMES...all kinda games...life is a game... :)
to EAT!!!...yaaa but...can affect my fitness...haiz...
to study...as well as to study ppl...anaylse...hehe...
can really get me into trouble sths
to make origami...
to listen to MUSIC!!!...esp rap and hip-hop...
to zikir...prayer la...
to gaze at the moon...
to surf the net!!
to TALK!!!
to solve probs...
to joke and goof ard...
TO MAKE PPL LAUGH!!!
to wonder ponder think deeply abt all kind of things
to sit in the park and watch the world go by...
to admire and learn lessons from nature
to irritate annoy and trigger...who?...any1 ah...muhahahaha!~
to produce MUSIC...still rusty though...holla to green door studios!!
to DIY/make/repair stuff
to make an entrance and seek attention!
to socialise...but seriously, no time...

okokokokokokok....

~sayonara~

no title

2009-08-26T19:23:00.004+08:00

time to blog,

firstly, ignore my last post...it's pathetic...i realize tat when it comes to matters like these...im still not able to take the next step...or when i come close to it...i step back...those of u who know my past...esp ppl like RAJ...hehe...think would understand...

secondly,i wish u would all STOP asking me to get a galfren...wt_ man...these dayz tats all i hear abt frm ppl...when i ask to know why...all i get is...your good guy...your hard to find...your this n your tat..my......i know u all mean good and well for me...there's aso some1 i kinda fancy but i dont know... but PLEASE let me take my own pace ah...all my life...to get any F______ thing tat i ever wanted never happened long enough to last...aft a while it sorta starts to itch on u and try to make u believe that u wont get wat u want...but i know better...tats where the diff. lies...after all those who succeeded once probably failed more than twice first...u all don't understand...even if i did wanted to get attached which im still considering...my choices would be limited as either i get a girl who also in psychology...or find a bimbo with a nice a__ and condition her to do WHATEVER i want her to...i would rather find a lady studying psychology and hook up with her man...why? simple...too different after starting to study psychology...theres just no going back even if i wanted to...

thirdly, pray for me to get A's in all my exams...tis course im taking is solely for me...let me let be...in tis cruel world i need to survive see...life is good...im happy where i stand now but still i cannot afford to drop my guard even a bit till holidayz...im like a soldier ant tat knows not to feed itself always doing its duty anticipating and guarding the nest frm the enemy(the worker ants would have to force food in tis mouth to make it eat)...but wat i have to do now...i will do now...for i have seen the consequences of not doing so...LITERALLY...

i rmb a phrase from the quran...indeed from toil did we create mankind...or sth...sry if im wrong...but the message is tat we must all work for wat we want and there is no shortcuts...toking abt religion...didnt know fasting cannot touch girls...opps...

2009-08-24T17:00:00.005+08:00

some truth abt my life...

this poem is sad
cuz it might not work out
but over u...im still mad......

i swear tat I'll be there
to catch every tear, even if it becomes rare

I'll be with u
support and encourage u
give u stability
like a foundation to life, see?

through all our sorrows and all the pain
I'll be the one tat u can blame
for your love will be the payment i gain

when your down
think of me n we'll be bound
of a bond
tats sounds so deep and cannot be found

think of me
and all the funny moments slowly
the times we fought
and the moments we forgot

im not superman
this is all i am
this might be all tat i can

whenever the tiredness and work
creeps into my bone,
your like the BEST memory
to make me feel light and free

even though we might never be
to try n die
is better than to lie and cry till your dry
so dont ask why or deny how i fly

whatever is meant to be
in the end we will work it out happily

for tomorrow, today
play hard, study smart
for we will fly away another day

this poem is sad
cuz it might not work out
but over u...im still mad.........

so hey, wat do u say?

wat a day

2009-08-23T17:27:00.005+08:00

yo freaks
very exhausting day today...
fasting, Trina stay calm and collected as im sick is not tat easy anymore...
annnnnd...Trina finish my PI report asap as i have to do another one on ABP...
the DEADlines r pretty close with PI on 31th and ABP on 2nd...
im really worried on ABP...PI is almost done..

Anyways to make myself feel better i browsed thru my private poem collection only meant for tat special some1 whom I've yet to find...
but here's a very basic glimpse...
sorry if u don't understand them and their complexities if any...

Indeed did god create mankind
but not as a singularity,

One cannot live
while the other is not present,

One cannot leave
while the other hasn't gone past,

One cannot breathe
while the scent of the other lingers,

One cannot perceive
itself an entity while the other is around,

Indeed together are we destined to be
& indeed to god shall we return free

-----------------------------------------heres another---------------------------------------

If I were to compare a flute with thou voice
how priceless and contrasting will u come to be,

A fierce loyalty I feel
so scarily comfortable and surreal
it appears to be so unreal
but I know the truth and my faith will prevail

but....

If I were to compare u and me
how crazy would tat ever be/how crazy over u would I be

--------last one, any more any things will start to get personal-----------------------

Six billion people crowd the earth
the one for me was determined at birth,

I can just feel it
though sometimes only a bit,

But I know for sure
tat your the cure,

For my longing heart
and my mind so smart
(is) desiring to be with you...and only you !

sia day

2009-08-22T15:02:00.007+08:00

today 1st day of fasting sia...
i wake up at 4:45 and again at 10 sia
sleepy sia...
still went to make IC at ICA sia...
but wat sia...i forgot my BC sia...
sial la...i oni reali-sia,
at the doorstep of the building sia...
i stuPID, turn to went back home to get sia..
even though 2 day saturday got 2 of my sistas at home who can bring it to me sia...
wat sia..i didnt think of it till halfway back sia...

than i call see "how la" sia...
than my sis say, "ok la" sia...
so i quickly turn back la sial...
(i sound like maat sia)

lucky just in time time sia...
i go fill in documen la sia,
miss the que no. as i too busy filling in sia...
than tis cute mena sia,
ask me my cue no. and ask me cum sia...
(sounds so wrong sia)
alamack i fasting sia...
cannot think like tat la sia...
but but i notice her and her frens all sia...
checking me out b4 callig me sia...
but ok ah...than sial la...
the photo i bring in my wallet cannot use sia...
the aunty at the there say got reflection sia...

so ok ah sia...
go make photo ah sia...
than do ready go back kenna take thumb print sia...
like tat time at station sia...
wat sia spend $100...
even worse they say no need BC sia...
so die sia...

i call my sis sia
but she already at potong pasir sia...
she angry sia...
i understand ah sia...she poor thing sia..
than she EMO sia!!! LOL
than ask me 4 chocalate and milkshake sia...
wat to do sia...all gal all ah...sial ah...

today funny sia...
really sia...alamack got report to do ah sia...
tok to u tmr ah sia...
SIAL AH!!!

dont mind my language sia...
oni for today sia...
bye la sial...

milestone

2009-08-20T20:34:00.007+08:00

Dare to dream to be able to be
at the top of the cream

today was presentation day...
thank god is over...
we all did pretty good i think...
very on target...

funny...my whole life flashed b4 my eyes...
every shit i been thru, every hurt and every issue...
but it it's beautiful...just to realise how far i'll come...
i managed to mange myself and managed everything quite well...
still cant help but wonder...just how far from the curve can i get ahead from...comparing me to other guys..

my life will go on...no matter how many ppl come into it and go from it...
no matter the changes or the situations...i will care becuz i dare...face all and their stares...for tat is the only constant which is true..the only constant is it me or u?...

im going to embark into deeper waters and find and erase more of my insecurities and fears...for 1 day i would be a better man than how i am today...promise...i have never done anything real or significant for me except take tis course after all that which started happening 14 years ago... after careful thought...so tat i dont have to depend on others or burden them with issues tat can only be solved by me...
simply cuz im the only 1 who can solve em as is part of me!!!

im gonna celabrate tis milestone in my life...next...abp and...exams!!!

quote

from some1 i forgot who...
Imagination is the beginning of creation.
You imagine what u desire, you will what u imagine & at last u will create.

2009-08-18T23:18:00.002+08:00

time to blog...

grinding my nose Trina do my best to do all my assignments...got strong distractions sometimes...in all kinda forms some more...but i always pull through...its already me to do tat...glad to know now tat i actually enrolled in the best psychology diploma in Singapore...and i didn't even realize it...
ok ok too tired to blog ready...latter...

2009-08-13T23:31:00.004+08:00

BAN-KAI!!!

hehe...
lots of very interesting stuff happened the past few dayz...
i found out tat the more different, dysfunctional(family) or crazy u are the more u tend to use both sides of the brain...
translation = u r smarter...
hehe...just a few dayz ago i was still wishin that
" wat if i was normal" kinda shit...no more!!...
i really am gonna leave my mark on this world...somehow...someway...
gearing up now...watch my 6...

working on my reports as deadlines are coming soon...lol...when i word it like that it sounds like a movie tats "coming soon"...
how many months since i started psychology...damm glad i did...

see nowadays not like b4...now i'm happier...now i matter...now i know...
tats like the kinda shit tat will scare the shit out of every1...i know...*grins slyly*...

better of now...different...more perceptive...more me...more calm...more smart... feel great...really great...
i look at the past
like a done task...
ya...and only halfway thru the course...hehe

quote

Making love to make peace or making peace to make love...
Which do u prefer?

2009-08-08T20:11:00.000+08:00

today is a must blog day...lots of interesting stuff happened...see firstly was awaken by mom loudly asking me to clean my room as grandma...another power women in the family with other visitors from uncle's family was coming tmr...so than was cleaning the room bro called...his organization charity thingy in m'laysia brought a booth fully stainless steel for 7k supposedly.he said not even 2 weeks kenna rust in big amounts...as i study design and technology b4 i am very d.i.y so i immediately knew they kenna cheated...he came home we talk like we do when we solving problem and he went to go solve it...solution being full refund and find another supplier...

than my sis(17) and niece(10) went for an all out face book war with each other on some game in face book...haiz...new technology breds new probs i guess...

than i went out to my fav. ponngol river to do self-reflection...damm nice place...environment perfect...nice breeze no ppl can even shout and scream n no 1 will knoe hehehe...is peaceful u see...aft tat wanted to go to fitness corner to exercise but dehydrated...

than came back sis was busy wiping windows...i sneak up n carried her...hahaha...and all she did was go "eep eep eep" macham mouse la tat...than i spin spin spin carring her and disturb her hehe...my sis poor thing...must handle me everyday...lol...

oh and just now i make her laugh by tickling her a bit like a hint of lemon...while she was drinking water...than i told her..."want to laugh spit out or swallow first...dont laugh and choke to death...im not the joker with laughing gas"... ... ...than she spit and laughed like mad...muahahahaha...she so cute...her nickname... .. . nvm don want tell...

okok bye some1 else plans to keep me up all nite...who?...my 3k long report lar...wat else u think?..hehe

disclaimer: sry for my bad english in the past present n future...sometimes i lazy ah...

2009-08-07T21:58:00.000+08:00

hehehe...time to bloggy...TGIF...is so as i want to focus on personal issues get some shit clear and try and finish my assignments...

okay...lets see...had very interesting week with the last part bein MOST INTERESTING...see had an insight with the girls zura, suhila, sabrina, jannah, didi and wei tin on BGR from their pespective is very interesting how it all happened...i found new perspective on some of the theories tat i AREADY learned...

i think its high time i fix myself up...starting with bare basic childhood...as some of u might know i had a very rough childhood growing up filled with adversity everywhere.

I'll decided to take the challenges of psychology head on...i want...i want to...see its a part of me to want to overcome me and its very daring...tis constitutes part of who i am...I'm doing it...I'm changing...believe it im not a kid...never was in the first place being far ahead of my peers my age in terms of maturity tanks to the past shit i went thru n bloody ncc, et al...i always knew tat i was actually intelligent...just not the type the sch systems look out for...im going to be my own man!!! wooohoo...i feel free...

2009-08-04T23:13:00.000+08:00

ok quick update...see we did the ink blob test as well as the perception test
(the 1 on the 2 ladies)was fun...abit shocking..i saw a robot a demon a being that said to me..."immortality awaits" as it was my inner potential...the lady had many details in her which got a lot of stuff like the time (1:20) a mask the same person 1 old 1 new a globe tis test was to gradually stop oni seeing wat i want to see...ok done fullstop no more qns rite?...NICE!!!

do or die

2009-08-02T21:21:00.000+08:00

update update update

see past 2 days and today all i ever did was stay in my room and
work and work to finish my assignments...
I LOVE IT!!!...

like a butterfly...going thru a metamorphosis from an ugly worm to a dazzling flutter of wings!!!...tmr i have no sch but i'll go to sch cuz i need to do survey on students to find out abt the diff. opinions on leadership...to say in short...

1 fine day all my hard work will pay-off & i will become the best there is...
there would be & there ever waz...for i carry on the will of many people tat have tried to make it but really couldn't no matter wat they tried to do...

simply put...i will do it n be the best...or die trying...
MUHHH-HAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAaa!!!
my time might be short anyway...so...
guess i'll live life to the best of my abilities...

i do ponder on the possibilities of having a girlfriend again...
i would be in denial if i say tat thought didnt cross my mind...but...
FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE...ITS GOING TO BE ABT ME!!!...
so no relationships as of yet...

I'm going to do this...
follow all the way thru tis shit no matter how
painful it gets the 1 year diploma and all...cuz its funny and sad but i have never done anything for myself tat i truely feel im doing for myself...lol...
okok is getting too wordy...so i'll stop here...

qoute

The night before the dawn...
is the hardest to see forward on...

A pen and a paper is all i need...

2009-07-31T20:02:00.000+08:00

aaaiyo!
time for the update

past few days busy with assignment
than today aft sch decided to go watch sunset and feel the breeze to take a break...feel damm good man!!!

i feel like all the clutter in my mind is gone and while i was un-winding i got great inspiration to write the song tat i promised sabrina n jena to, as they did write on my secret lab book....Muhahahaha!!!
Dr fong was right, we singaporeans need to learn how to relax...

I see 1 thing tat definitely defines me clearly...since sec 2 or 3 i always have been writing...be it songs or poems or stories or just venting like a manic when im experiencing extreme emotions...

who started it?...me...or is it my friend the joker?
wat made me write?...my love for books i guess...
where did i learn to do tis from?...my ex...
when did tis start?...sec 2 or 3...
which part of me wanted to do this?...the part tat once wanted to become an author...
how now?...continue lar...helps me vent n bleed stress wat...

sth different here comes look...

bob

2009-07-26T22:39:00.000+08:00

well this sucks...see got back the results of deferment...well wat looked like it anyways...so...i guess i would have to reappeal and make it clear to them to make them take me seriously...

tat shit aside, school's assignment datelines are drawing nearer and this week gonna make sure everything goes well...hope to finish assignment asap and get on with the class presentations...see how it goes...

these days i feel so damm happy, high and into it in the classroom...but dont feel like comin back home to the crib...i dont know y...i would rather be at sch studin...but oh well im busy studin or doing my project at home anyways...so...

i dont even know who am i...how am i supposed to know the frekin title?

2009-07-19T15:20:00.000+08:00

okok ima let some serious stuff out... just to clear my chest

Kenna full blown identity crisis liao...how?
im 18 tis year, which still makes me a teenager, a young adult & im an indian Muslim...so...i'm...

neither man nor boy...
neither an adult nor kid...
neither Indian nor Malay...
Wat the fuck am i?

tat aside, look here...theres so many things in my life
i realise i need to change...but...
I feel the world is moving way too fast...so how?

here's my idea...i'm going to structure & order all my work tat i need to do...make a list i guess...n slowly keep going at it...my priority is my studies rite now...on to satisfy my security needs...guess tat explains tat saturday why
I did'nt meet wei ting's expectations of me...lol

abt my last post...

I saw the movie which was a little weird... not the movie...
but wat happened to me... I ended up watching the movie with old friends elly n shafiqah even though i went with julia, yash, wei ting and the others...
the movie was nice...very hilarious cept for the last bit which i thought became a bit over dramatic...

ron is my fav. character in the movie... in fact in all the other hp movies... he reminds me of the joker side of me...tats how i relate to him...

next movie?

2009-07-16T01:02:00.000+08:00

update

tmr going watch movie (harry potter)
wooohooo!!!!

see these dayz i've been damm busy working almost all my waking hours...
everyday i am tired, hungry exhausted...working see...
my hands sometimes shake...but i am happy...
my aim is to get all my a's be the best in all aspects of my course inclusive of skills and experience...i'll be a psychologist or will die trying...
its now or never...1 shot i have....1 opportunity...to seize everything i ever wanted...means to me everything i want and need...
seriously...the real deal?...this is it...

why should i have a tilte? a date would be better wat?

2009-07-10T00:09:00.001+08:00

he he...Im back in the game...
realised how important attitude is...
ability, aptitude, IQ, skill & the like has no meaning if the right attitude is
not backed up by it...

I realise tat being a genius is different...
being a smart genius is different ...
being a lazy genius is different...

which genius are u?

okok tat aside,
I have 4 major projects coming up n the common thing in them?
APA FORMAT!!!
DAMM IS TOO FREAKING TEDIOUS TO FOLLOW...
AND ALL MUST WRITE 2000 WORD REPORT...
oh well wats the fun without some rules of the game...

also leessons are getting very very very deeeeeeeep....
but my lecturer dr. fong complemented me n said tat
I had good self-awareness n the aptitude to learn psychology! XD
NICE!!!

~sayonara~

2009-07-06T22:39:00.000+08:00

kenna sick...cough, flu, headache, cramps...u name it...
sad actually...damm i cannot concentrate properly in class...
anyways heres another shitty thing...seems like she's (gf) going back to India...probably forever i dont know...oh well...wat a waste...

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities...

The battle for your mind, is the worst place to see yourself in,

RE- NEW

where have u been???

Lighters!

so many things to do....so little time....

Reality is but an illusion as this world is only temporary....

will is won

Life goes on till i get it back...love goes on till im committed in...bonds are tested situation shifted but wat is life without some problems ai?....still i wont let them get to me, for i am rafi, im meant to be free...

and most importantly...to take islam and apply it in psychology and show the world humanistic-ally allah's grace and power to the best of my abilities....

Lastly, it is our choices tat shows us wat we truely are, far more than our abilities...i choose to therefore, i would become...i become...i am...

identity crisis...identity cries....

life is good....hehe!

BU$$INE$$

if u dont like my values and beliefs.....i have others......

im a true blue singaporean!!!!!

uncertainty......

tat someday begins....NOW!!

key meanings....

work work work....

passion

the story of memo....

bob

life

fun in the sun

next step

GPGPGPGPGPGPGPGPGPGPGPGPG

just spitting...see?

the plant and the tree...n the crazy thingy inbetween...

damm...

if u conceive...u will achive...

TO LIFE!!

love the love of my life my love

too much demands...break a man down

a new day brings around new says

natural progressions....

repression in its purerest form......

the dawn of a new chapter...

im soo bad @ directions

sometimes...mom really knows best...

Life, people, world, time = LIFETIME

universe...

take my hand n lets do this!!

differences in beliefs...

life...

moments...

the way i am...

im inconsistent...

assignment ime

the lessons of life...

life will go on...

my endlessness of love

choronicals of dwali...

To success!!

THE ROAD TOWARDS SELF-ACCEPTANCE

begging for tis dream to come true...

Burn...

gear on!!

hell of a good day!!

life is worth living

day to rmb...

the 3 things...

press on to press the crease to be free n released

another day another say

its ok man...dont fear...im here...

ouh my Good day!!

your just...too good to give up on...

It is our choices...that show what we truly are,far more than our abilities..

me n u???

no title

wat a day

sia day

milestone

do or die

A pen and a paper is all i need...

bob

i dont even know who am i...how am i supposed to know the frekin title?

why should i have a tilte? a date would be better wat?

Life goes on till i get it back...
love goes on till im committed in...
bonds are tested situation shifted but wat is life without some problems ai?....
still i wont let them get to me, for i am rafi, im meant to be free...

It is our choices...that show what we truly are,
far more than our abilities..