It is our choices that we make, that show us what we are, far more than our abilities.

well....welcome to my zone.... 1 thing is certain...1 thing is clear...n 1 thing is the truth... tat nothing in this world is wat it appears to be... its always more than meets the eye... everybody wears a mask...the mask in society... not real a fake... not true so vague... when u try to see through, its like going on a date... with every1 so fake is it a wonder  tat 1 would feel lonely or 1 would be alone... can u blame them all...NO...cuz each individual in this world, even through we are social creatures, we are all hendonistic...we avoid pain...no matter wat the cost...is like a defence mechanism...brought abt by the hurts of the past, the lack of trust, uncertainty or some other factor(s) i think its a reaction ...from the infinate flow of energy that springs forth from everywhere...was already there...is always there...always flowing n will always be there...whether kinetic or potential...tat resulted from the actions /choices n decisions tat happened in the ...

well...welcome to my zone.... on the 24th i went back to sch there to make video2...waz fun ever had everything gone wrong in just a moment... ever had everything tat can go wrong really go wrong... i had tat kinda FUCKING experience way too many times already...   c yesterday in class my friend came to sit beside my other friend's place...i wanted to ask her sth...so i held the chair n intended to shake it to get her attention...but fuck me n my illness, me messed up couldnt judge my surroundings properly...she DIDNT sit yet...so as i pulled on it to SHAKE...it came with my hands ...at tat moment i didnt know my hands waz tensed up too much...so than shit she fell thru ah... :( fuck i was soo broken down...always calling my friend tat way conditioned me...so now when there is no weight on the chair of course it willl move back rite?...damm...i feel like shit for doing tat...i mean im not the type to lay hands or be physically hurtful ESP towards women...u can go ask m...

Friends i got a lot to say on this topic...but certain things i'll rather not though... true friends r hard to come by...4 me...true friends are the ppl tat mean alot to me who come to my mind immediately when u say the words "true friends" who are there 4 me when i need them most or when i want sth most... im the type to keep a few select ppl as close as possible (ACAP...hehe...) rather than have so many ppl whom i dont know or they dont know me or just alot of ppl ard....cuz i think tat would really make u haywire...maybe even lonely idk... im glad i got ppl to rely on in case anything should happen...n i would fucking do the same 4 my friends...cuz a relationship is ALWAYS 2 ways...some ppl will never get this truth...like honesty is the best policy....is a truth...not knowledge or something u learn..is a value/principle from which NO 1 can run from... some rules u can break...but some rules u can only break yourself against it...tats the power of the truth.....

its not everyday u see a man like me!  sometimes i wonder if its worth it...day in day out...fighting for my dreams...hanging on n never letting go...sometimes its tiring...but thats the ONLY feeling tat keeps me going...to realise wat u visualise come to light is DAMM exciting... to dare to dream is 1 thing...to achive it is another... my passion is 2...music...n ppl...n the 1 thing common in them is...emotions...the drive that drives them...the hope n faith...the spirit of mankind...if i can pen down in a song this very factor tat causes evolution...i'll be able to call myself an artist...the perfect song tat delivers n brings some1 out from the verge of suicide n gives them hope...something to hang on to...something to live for...a goal or ambition...a target or a bearing...a way or direction...till than even if i rap with my blood sweat tears heart n soul...it would not be enough... from knowledge comes forth power...n with great power comes great responsibility...alre...

imagine a street with the green railing tat separates 1 road from the other that goes in opposite ways....tats kinda like how 2 different beliefs are...i wonder wats it like on the other side of the road...i wonder how's it like to be tat person who had walked on the other side and have their own experiences n environment n development n other factors and shit tat made them be n belief in the things they belief in the way they do... i respect tat...i really do...they'll wonderful...if u can c past your own beliefs, judgements, stereotypes, prejudice n discrimination to just pause just 4 a moment to look at the other side of the road u'll understand...its cool!! people are cool!! u form your own beliefs from virtually every aspect of your life...in a way your a product of your past...be it 1 second ago or 1 year ago...its really cool cuz u know the difference in the worlds u come from just aint the same...   u respect me   i respect u, we'll fine but i don't...

HI~ so far things have been going according to plan in schoolwork...but it takes up ALOT of my time n energy n focus...not only physically but mentality n sometimes emotionally (as some lessons trigger me ALOT) still cant seem to c wat to do 4 GP. but will soon...my whole week is packed with work but somehow i manage to complete them...but i cant seem to find time 4 exercise already...my only comfort now is N.S next year to get back in proper shape...is it just me getting used to the workload or is it tat tis term the workload is lesser but more tricky/challenging... i want ALL As tis term...really...i want to use n benefit from psychology 4 myself more than any1 else...i want to go deeper n not just hypothesize or speculate like others...i want to think in even more different perspectives and ways deeply...oh n not let other's perspectives influence my own way of thinking...must assert myself correctly n psychologically if not the thinking will become very laymen!! life is g...

a few days ago i went to an investiture @ ITE collage east....my friend invited me....end up i had to council him...LOL...get it? council him? well jokes aside i saw sth new...c usually when u go 4 this kinda events u recall memories or the "deja vu" feeling...the locus of control is inward...i think tats wat is called... i saw other ppl getting tat feeling or memories like literally man...sugoi!! than the president also near tears sia...expected actually... i like his beliefs...makes sense...alot of sense dont know when im gonna blog again cuz i busy with assignments...which some got alot of things to do...haiz...life is made complicated... i dont feel like i got anything else to lose in my life anymore...i can blame a hundred ppl 4 the way my life has turned out...all the things tat happened the truma the pain the bad times n all...but wats the pt?... some ppl r never gonna understand...some ppl just dont care anyway...some ppl worse misunderstand u...still tri...

is gonna be a looong post... there are people in this world who go on to become the top of their fields...n n push on EVEN further to become a class of their own...superstars, actors, doctors, theorists,authors,musicians,performers,artists,  religious figures n lots more...ppl who make a difference... i long to be 1 of em...i wanna make it to the top...even if i dont...i wanna die trying... to make a difference to some1...in some way...whatever or however small...it may be... for in that moment i find eternal peace... for in tat moment time stops.... for in tat moment i know ima good person... for in tat moment im high, happy n into it... for in tat moment i feel very much alive... for in tat moment life becomes worthwhile living... for in that moment my heart is light... for in that moment i become 1...1 with the universe... no sound or sight no feeling no smell no taste...only energy...and the peace n calm tat flows with it... i tink we all live for tis moment...

so i was in FB n some1 actually dissed on me... (don't flare up boys, issue is already resolved alrite) than i stood my ground n it was steadily escalating... but than it stopped...n peace was made... here's the thing...after everything tat had happened i asked myself... why did i react/respond the way i did? after much self analysis i realised sth even more clearly...tat all my life i was tot never to back down or give up...in my childhood was my bro n my gangs...in secondary sch it was ncc n aikido...so...being consistently conditioned by these kinda values and raised up like tat...dakara...im like tat now... it wasn't abt pride or ego... its abt standing up for yourself and...just self-defence (i don't pick fights) though i would rather not fight...cuz im the type to avoid conflict very pro-actively... my sensai taught me sth...I still hear his words "rafi...u got to realise...in a fight...no 1 wins...1 just walks away while the other gets i...

heavy heart mixed with all sorts of things...but after the run light as butterfly... (LOVE RUNNING, LOVE ADRENALINE!!) but the issues are still there... i know now tat no 1 might really care... but if they do...tank u n i'll respond back to u... i have come to realise the seriousness of an issue... if i dont resolve it i may never come to have a strong core stable I.D. as it would contradict it... already happenin... wat i long for is a sweetheart... i dont ask much cuz im independent thus i meet my own needs... but when im down when im tired when my hands shake n go numb n sth trigger me enough to kill me, will whoever she is reach out for me OR leave @ the sight of the cracked mirror will she be selfish OR will she also look as US n consider me too  will she allow me to take the lead and work with me OR want things her way all the time will she stay by my side OR cheat on me / leave for a better guy will she purposely hurt OR keep quiet OR will she sit ...